Saturday in Kuantan - a morning of contemplation

It's a weekend and I'm in Kuantan!

Looks like i've broken the chain of commuting back and forth KTN-KUL almost every weekend without fail for the past 1 year. Oh, well. Dr. Jamal said that an alim said that the best Muslim is one who sacrifices for others. So, in the spirit of takaful, i decided to stay in Kuantan to allow some time and space for Qayyum to finish his assignments -_-"

I spent the entire morning browsing through the internet and have just finished watching an edited clip of In The Womb taken from a National Geographic documentary, which was posted on a friend's FB wall. I've seen the clip before and it really touched my soul. But watching it again with a bigger tummy and a tiny being wriggling underneath it created a more intense feeling - a feeling of awe at the creation of Allah and how miraculous His creation is. Subhanallah! It's utterly amazing how we were once a drop of sperm+ovum who have grown up to become the beautiful people we are today, mashaAllah. It's hard to describe what I really felt and words can't do justice in instilling that same feeling in those who are reading this. I would suggest you watch the video. Just type the keywords and search it in any search engine you so wish.

The video camera that they planted in the uterus is simply fantastic. You can appreciate the facial expression that the fetus does and how cute he looks while sucking his thumb. He yawns and stretches and sleeps in a serenity only those living the uterine world are blessed to experience - a world full of secrets and mysteries, safely kept in Allah's vault of miracles. He jumps and kicks and twists around. He practices how to breathe and drinks the amniotic fluid, only to experience a glimpse of what awaits him in the external world.

Watching the video, I had this sense of heaviness in my chest, not out of sadness or frustration. It was simply a feeling of --- terharu (i can't find an english word that fits the description of terharu huhu). I could almost imagine what the 'dude' (as jau calls him) is doing in my tummy. It's just so overwhelming to know that you have in you this little thing clinging onto you for love and nourishment. I almost cried (oh, well i did cry) as I felt the love flowing from my heart to the innocent little being - my son. Yup, my son. The life that Allah has entrusted upon me - a life to be nourished with His knowledge and attributes, to prepare him to become a Khalifah who carries out Allah's administrative job in this world.

Looking back 4 months ago when I first learned that Allah has put in me another life, i was afraid more than i was overjoyed - afraid of the responsibility that I now have to carry. The fear rooted from uncertainties, whether or not I will be able to cope with the new situation. Will I be able to guide this child to follow the Path that Allah has set forth for those who believe? Will he end up closer to Allah or will he be dragged away, drifting in the stream of corruption of the temporary world? Will I be persistent and patient in facing Allah's tests on my family?

All these questions kept swarming my mind that I could not entirely enjoy the bliss and happiness of motherhood, which explains why I occasionally felt annoyed when people addressed being pregnant and having babies as something 'oh-so-cute-and-adorable'. I would have this reflex answer in my head saying, "You see cute but I see responsibility. You see adorable but I see heaven and hellfire."

Huhu. Don't i sound like a miserable mother?

Now, now. Try reading that dialogue with a calm and smiling face, not in a grumpy and complaining tone.

While it's not wrong to see it from the 'cute perspective', it is also incomplete. Cute and adorable are adjectives that describe the physique and materials associated with pregnancies and babies, hence a materialistic description. We can see cute kids everywhere but the way some parents treat (or mistreat) them is just unacceptable. To see how these children are spiritually and intellectually deprived is fairly frustrating. This will create a generation that is highly developed aestethically but empty inside.

Whereas we should be placing the emphasis on the development of the soul - how beautiful our child will be in the eyes of Allah. Seeing things beyond face value, you will see that all the fancy stuff that accompanies pregnancies and babies are just added benefits - a small reward that Allah gives to us, an apple of our eyes. The true reward lies in the calmness and serenity that Allah places in our hearts knowing that we have put forth our utmost effort in doing what needs be.

Having this perspective in mind, inshaAllah our efforts will be more focused on bringing up the child the right way, a way that nurtures the soul as much as it nurtures the body. It prevents us from overly 'decorating' the child. Yes, some people do decorate their children. When parents buy fancy shirts and dresses for their children, it really is for the fulfilment of their desire and not the child's.

When I went window-shopping online for baby stuff, it was me who went 'Aww that's cute!' and 'I like that pattern' and 'That's so adorable!' You think the baby in me even cared? Of course not!

Now when i'm thinking of buying stuff, I would have to contemplate for a loooong time. Am i buying it just because it looks cute, or do i really need it? Am i buying a more expensive item just because of its brand or do i sincerely believe that it provides more comfort or safety? And more importantly, is it for me or is it for Allah?

Is it for me, or is it for Allah...