how i became two..

The news that i am pregnant hit the public 3 weeks ago. The reaction and response from my friends was amazing - ada yang melompat kegembiraan, ada yang mengalirkan air mata sebab terharu sangat..huhu..and they say, "Finally our batch dah ada baby!" thanks to our seniors' batch with their 3 babies and more to come.

The scene of a pregnant female student walking about in the campus is not an uncommon sight here in IIUM, be it in Gombak or Kuantan. Many of the pregnancies were perhaps unplanned but there are also many who really planned to expand their family.

Some of you (or perhaps most) may be wondering which category i fall into. Rest assured that this has been well planned and with the Blessings and Mercy from Allah, He executes this plan.

I remember telling a close friend of mine (i.e. Fiey) about my new status. She was a bit quiet afterwards and did not appear to be as excited as i expected her to be. Only after i mentioned that it is well planned did her face shine and a she released a huge sigh of relief. She didn't know whether to congratulate or sympathise with me as she thought it was a result of contraceptive failure! huhuu..my fault for not informing her that i have stopped taking the pills many months back.

My parents, especially my dad, were not so keen on the idea of bearing a child while studying. In fact this was the main issue that my father brought up before he allowed me to get married. He said that accidents happen. I said accidents can be prevented. After I got married, he constantly reminded me not to give him a cucu as his birthday present. And I obediently kept my promise.

In contrast, Qayyum's parents were a bit open about this issue in the sense that they wouldn't mind if we decided to have a child early or wait a little bit longer. Though, the father likes little children so much and he tends to spoil them, which is something I quite worry.

Well perhaps my parents were worried that being pregnant will make things hard for me. Having to cope with the new condition and the demands of my studies, they feared that I might break and fall apart somewhere along the journey. Mak ayah mana la yang tak sayang anak kan. My dad, especially, was really worried that I would stop studying half way. That was why they objected to the idea of being pregnant before I graduate.

Long story made short, one night when I was in Temerloh doing my Paediatrics posting, my mother sent me an sms. She said that she is considering the prospect of becoming a grandmother and that she is able to help take care of the child if need be. This came as a surprise to me. We weren't even specifically discussing about that. It came out of the blue, unexpectedly. Something must have triggered her to think towards that way, I'm sure. I just don't know what it was.

And so further planning began..

Firstly, and most importantly, we tried to look for a target date that is the most suitable time for delivery. Being a student, good timing is essential. I wouldn't want to disturb my studies. From there, I calculated backwards (utilising Naegele rule here..hehe..) to get the rough estimation of when conception should occur. From there, I estimated the time needed for ovulatory cycle to return so that I can estimate when to stop taking the pill.

You see, I use a lot of the word 'estimate'. It's because we can only do so much. Only The Creator knows exactly when and how things will be.

And so began the endeavours towards achieving conception..

I didn't tell too many people about the fact that I was trying to conceive as I did not want to attract unnecessary stress from people asking questions like, "Dah berisi ke?" for which I will end up answering "Oh, saya mmg dari dulu berisi. Tak kurus-kurus." Sometimes I politely smile and try to ignore the question, pretending that I didn't hear it.

During the early phase of trying, I made some literature review (ehemm..rajin kan..) on how to assess fertility status. I took good care of the food that I ate and tried to lose some weight albeit unsuccessfully. I did urine pregnancy test (UPT) almost every week and of course they all came back negative. After about two months, I started to worry that perhaps I was subfertile. I've been oligomenorrhoeic all my life, and coincidentally (or not..) I was given the topic of 'Subfertility' for my seminar!

I realised that this trying has been stressful to me and stress is surely not fertility's best friend. I then stopped doing UPT and tried not to think so much about conceiving. If Allah wants to give, then He will.

One night on the third week of Shawal, I was talking on the phone with Qayyum and inevitably the topic of pregnancy entered the conversation. He asked me to read Surah Maryam and take the lessons from there. And so I did. It's very calming to know that in the most impossible circumstances imaginable to humans, Allah can easily grant a woman an offspring, as in the case of Nabi Zakariyya. They're already old and her wife is barren but with Allah's will, she gave birth to Yahya, the most obedient son one can ever have.

The following evening, I had this strong urge in me to go and purchase a UPT kit. I was so driven by this urge that I somewhat spontaneously drove my Kembara to the nearest pharmacy and bought two kits. I tried doing one that night, and two lines appeared. I got confused. Two lines? Eh, selalunya satu line je keluar. Waaaait a minute. Am I... pregnant? Whoa this is so unexpected. I tried once more the following morning and the same result was obtained.

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. Allah answered our prayer. And Qayyum, my dearest husband, became the happiest man in the world. Now there's a tiny little being attached very closely within me, relying on me for its survival.

Planning to have a baby is important. By planning I mean intentionally wanting to have a baby. For many young couples, they are not ready as yet to embark on a different kind of journey but end up having to face pregnancy and child-rearing at times when they are most unprepared.

Childbearing is a gift. But remember that it is also a responsibility. To shoulder a responsibility, one must be prepared. As Dr. Fauzi, a Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist said, children are not instant noodles that you boil for 3 minutes and then it's cooked. Children are people, children are humans. They need time to grow and develop.

Without adequate preparation and knowledge, it's really difficult to raise good and strong children especially in our modern world. Children become the adults they are mostly because of how they were taught, educated, and moulded when they were small.

Bearing a child while studying is even a bigger responsibility. The responsibility lies in the need to keep the reputation of the 'moms club' clean - to set a good example to other people and to demonstrate that being pregnant is not an excuse to become lazy or a reason to get away with things.

I pray hard that I remain steadfast on this path..

care to spend?

Today I attended a tafsir class by Dr. Walid who is an Egyptian engineer working in Malaysia and is well versed in tafsir Quran.

The discussion was on Surah Al-Hadid verses 1 to 13. I hope to share the things that I have learned, as a reinforcement of my memory and a gentle reminder to those who are caring enough to read this mediocre blog of mine. Your visit makes me smile every time :)

Whatever you will be reading thenceforth is just a simple way of my explaining what I understand and nothing is more meaningful than reading it from The Book itself.

Essentially, the early part of the surah outlines Allah's attributes, power, and control over His creations and how it is He who determines what we get for what we do. And then it goes on to lay down what is expected of us human beings.

The analogy is like that of a boss to his employee. Imagine you're a newly recruited member of the company and you're on your first day of work. The boss then calls all the new employee to a meeting room. He says:

"From today onwards, you will be working with this company. I am your boss and your fate in this company lies in my hand. I know everything that goes around the office, and I can assure you that every single thing you do will be rewarded or punished accordingly. Don't worry, I am as just as you can expect me to be. If you work hard, you will earn your credit. If you fail to meet my requirements, you may be expelled."

And so you nod your head in obedience and start to think to yourself:

"Ok, so what is expected of me? What are the things that will add to my merits and what will make me lose this job?"

This is where the subsequent part of the surah comes in. Allah tells us what we can do to earn His approval and reward and warns us on practices from which we ought to keep away. This part of the surah particularly addresses on spending our fortune for the sake of Allah.

Believe in Allah and His apostle, and spend (in charity) out of the (substance) whereof He has made you heirs. For, those of you who believe and spend (in charity),- for them is a great Reward (Al-Hadid, verse 7)

Notice that Allah states that we are made the heirs of the fortunes that we receive from Allah, no matter how large or small the fortune is. In other words, whatever we gain is an Amanah from Allah and we ought to spend it accordingly. Whatever we receive comes from Allah and will eventually go back to Allah.

Wait a minute..

So, does this mean that we cannot use our money to purchase personal items and spend on things that are apparently self-fulfilling such as, say, going for a holiday?

Now, take a step back and try to have a look at the bigger picture..

The money that we earn from our halal endeavours can be divided into portions...

Portion A - for zakat. This is an obligation. It is compulsory and the precentage is fixed. Technically, this portion of your money is not even yours. It cannot be yours. You just have to give it away.

Portion B - for personal use, for us to survive as a human being, and as a reward for all the hard work that we have put in.

Portion C - the one that we give away for the sake of Allah. It is really up to us how much to give and to whom. We know best how much we can afford to give away and Allah knows, too. Examples are funding a welfare organisation, donating to survivors of a disaster, etc.

Then again looking at a wider perspective, even as we spend the money on ourselves, when we do it consciously for the sake of Allah we get rewarded for that too. It's the things that we do every day. Sometimes we just forget to include Allah in the things we do.

Example:

We eat to live. It's basic human needs. It's what we do most of the time. But when you purchase your food with this conscious thought in your head that says 'oh i need to eat lunch so that i have the energy to perform Jumaat prayer later on', you get rewarded for that because you're doing it for the sake of Allah and not because the sambal ikan keli looks so tempting that you start salivating. Or when a pregnant mother consciously opts for healthier food for the reason that she has now the responsibility of ensuring the health of the unborn child, she gets rewarded for that. Although, of course if she happens to suddenly crave for something, she will not get penalised for eating it just because she feels like it. At least not unless it's excessive and harmful. Allah is Kind and Merciful.

Hold on a sec. So does this mean for every single thing I do I have to first verbalise the intention and then proceed to doing it?

Not necessarily. But..

It is always and always better to be conscious of what you're doing, to be purposive in every step of your action. Because that is rewarded more inshaAllah. And that will also give you a better sense of control over you actions. Sometimes some people like to say that they just 'go with the flow'. When things go wrong, they start blaming and pointing fingers. But really, you decide what you do next and you're responsible for every single thing you do anyway. So might as well be aware of it. Blaming doesn't work. What you have done is still your responsiblity.

Now back to spending..

The surah also implies that a person who spends in the way of Allah at times of struggle (say, for example, you gave some money to your friend when you have only ten bucks left in your pocket to spend for the day because you found out that he hasn't eaten for 2 days because he really has no money) is rewarded more than a person who spends in the way Allah at times of ease (say, you have fifty bucks in your pocket and more in your room and you gave five bucks to the beggar at the pasar malam).. Both will be rewarded, inshaAllah but in different degrees.

This also applies to other situations. When you're having a hard time, try to do some good deeds. You're really anxious about exams coming in two days' time whereas you have 50 topics to cover. Suddenly a friend comes and asks for a tutoring on a certain topic. Feeling reluctant? Don't be. Take this chance to gain extra from Allah.

What's keeping us from giving more in the way of Allah?

Most of the time, it's the issue of not believing enough that whatever you give away, you will get back. Always, giving away money is accompanied by this sensation of heaviness in the chest. This is a major issue of trust. Many just dont have enough faith that Allah will take care of them, which is rather disappointing. When Allah promises something, He doesn't promise it just because it sounds nice or seems ideal enough. It is what will be. You just have to have faith.

Allah promises that for every cent that we spend for charity, the reward will be multiplied and you will also receive extra bonus. Just as how you get birthday rewards from Celcom, this is even better.

However, always bear in mind that the reward will not necessarily appear as a material or in physical form. It can be anything. And it can be either now, in the hereafter, or both. As it is, for the good deeds that you do, the best of all rewards that you will gain in the world is in the form of knowledge and wisdom. Yes, that is what Allah promises us.

Wow, this sharing of information has become rather long. Well perhaps another entry can be posted to continue some other things that we have discussed during the class before the neuronal highway gets congested.

In the meantime, hope this helps.

Happy spending :)

Long-lost love found

It was about a year ago that i stumbled upon a pocket-sized book of collection of hadeeth from Riyad-us-Saliheen. Every now and then I used the book as a referral for questions that I have in mind. When there are doubts, I just would like to know what the Prophet would have done if he were in that kind of situation, or what he would have advised if you were to ask him such and such a question.

Now the book is no longer just another textbook. It has in fact become a bedtime storybook!

A bedtime storybook?

Well, it's the kind of book you open as you rest your head on the fluffy pillows, enjoying the adventure before you fall into a deep slumber.

Indeed it is joyful reading what the Prophet has to say to you about things in life. The feeling of closeness to him, as though one is conversing with him is simply amazing! It's like you're reading a letter from your father whom you dearly love, who has long left the world. It brings back sweet memories that makes one smile and perhaps even shed a tear.

The Prophet...he's just so decent and humble yet people respect him more than they fear a mighty and fearsome king. The respect is out of love and it's everlasting. His kind words and wisdom penetrate every heart that ever comes near him, melting all prejudices. Never is he harsh even to the animals and the apparently inanimate plants. An incredible man he is. Words can't possibly do enough justice in describing him.

Oh how my heart is going to explode from all the great feelings that I have for The Messenger of Allah!

Heh, now I have gotten a little bit emotional...

wednesday is the day

wednesday is the day
witnessing the miracle of God's creation
bringing glad tidings
those waiting
with hopes and prayers

wednesday is the day...

Jalan-jalan cari jawapan: Part 1

"Uish besar2 rumah kat sini.."

"Hm mcm mana la agaknya eh.."

"Ya Allah, permudahkan la.."

"Nak start dari mana dulu ni?"

That was our dilemma - Mimi, Fatin, and I. For the community survey on H1N1 awareness, we were assigned specific areas for us to bombard with questionnaires. Being assigned rows of houses in the 'gajah' area is really a big and heavy task. The houses are tagged with a 'gajah' symbol because they're mostly big. A few are enormous. None is small.

I believe many of us have this perception that most people in housing areas, especially those with big houses are not very keen on receiving visits from strangers, whom they generalise as either salespersons or people asking for donation.

Keeping that stereotype in mind, we heavy-heartedly paved our ways to the houses whose residents may not be as big-hearted to welcome us.

Yesterday was our first round of survey. As a strategy, we decided to first and foremost mention clearly, "kami pelajar PERUBATAN/MEDIC dari UIA". That was our pick-up line. Huhu.. We wanted to sell our title as medical students in hope that people will buy it. And it worked! Well, at least it worked on some people who cared to first listen before considering to shoo us away..

The first day wasn't exactly successful. Yes, we managed to ding-dong 20 houses but we could only obtain 4 respondents from 3 different houses. Mostly, we were greeted by empty houses with the windows staring blankly at us. There were also houses that sent their bibik as a spy to find out just what those three ladies standing in front of their house under the hot blaring sun want from them. Of course by now most of them would have been trained to say, "oh tuan rumah takda..semua kerja..takda orang.." all the while maintaining an innocent and 'blur' look.

Not to mention, our 'hello' was replied by waving of hands, not because they are being friendly. They are simply practising a universal sign of saying 'no, i don't want anything from you..please go away..'

......and we politely smiled, said 'terima kasih', and walked off...

*sigh*

Perhaps beyond this there are lessons for us urbanites who more or less react the same way in similar situations..

To add some spice to our adventure, we were also greeted by canines that were eager to show off their singing talents, or should I say shouting? As we passed by their 'territories', they barked like mad! The big dogs barked ferociously and they succeeded in creating fear in us. Meanwhile, the small, puny dogs were yapping endlessly! And as usual, a dog's yapping is highly contagious. Seconds after the yapping of the first dog, the other small dogs started to join in the choir. Tak padan dengan kecik, bisingnya Ya Rabbi! Rasa macam nak sumbat mulut dia dengan kain, ikat kaki dia, pastu gantung atas pokok..

Feeling like perompak di siang hari, we hurried away..

Just as we were losing our optimism, we succeeded in obtaining one response from a makcik's daughter. A friendly makcik indeed. She is illiterate so we had to exclude her from answering the questionnaire.

And then we had two from a couple of Chinese, whom we thought were very cool. They appeared very atypical as they were very receptive and very supportive. Realise how many times I use the word 'very'? That shows how very happy we were with their response. There you have it again. Very.

Finally we got a response from an educated housewife who has an over-friendly four-year-old daughter with a sweet name. To Fatin's relief, they offered us cold drinks. Ahh.. icy-cold mango drinks.. heavenly! We chit-chatted with the lady, ate some kuih raya, and made our way back.

All in all, that made our day.. today was the second round of survey.. and today's experience has been more meaningful..that will be in the post to come..

Meanwhile, what I have learnt from yesterday's survey is about respecting people's space and their right to reject. I am not the persuasive type. I offer once, re-offered once more, and that's it..there is no compulsion and it is always subject to their own choice and free-will to take what is offered, or leave it..

Perhaps this is something to be contemplated upon..

There is no compulsion in religion...

...we don't FORCE or PRESSURE people to do things..of course things that Allah has made compulsory to do is always compulsory to do..our job is to REMIND nicely and wisely..it's their job to actually do it..it's Allah's job to judge, reward, or punish accordingly..

Tasks that are performed on the basis of willingness create sincerity and permanency. They breed good habits slowly but surely..

Tasks that are forced upon spark hatred and rebellion..Burnouts occur quickly..

Think about it..

to be a diamond...

Eid Mubarak...

Ramadhan has long passed and I am fairly certain that what I gained from the recent month of fasting was mostly hunger and thirst. Every person's calling is different in each Ramadhan. Perhaps mine was to search for what has been lost, which I shall keep to myself. Suffice to say, istiqamah is an issue and there is much more to improvise.

At times a pang of guilt fills the heart fearing that my incompetence in religion has infected my significant half. I fear that my carefree attitude influences his perspective as well. There is also this nagging feeling that my being married to him deteriorates his values. Perhaps this is only a rambling of an inferior lass. Just perhaps.

On the 5th of Syawal, my significant half and I, with his group of 7 friends, made rounds of visit to their teachers' houses of their former school, SMA Hishamuddin Sg. Bertih, Klang. They represent 4 consecutive batches. Difference in age is not an issue. They're all brothers.

These people are not just ordinary students in school. 3 of them were Head Prefects during their years, my husband included. They also hold top positions in their Clubs and Societies be it in school, during matriculation years, or in university. One of them is the current YDP (Yang Di-Pertua) of MPP (Majlis Perwakilan Pelajar) of UiTM. Another is already an editor in DBP. They're all successful.

They are decent, polite, and respectful. They are funny but serious where necessary. They are firm and confident yet humble. They are mature. They have common sense. They are very much Islamic. And their teachers look up to them.

Islamic as they are, the subjects that they study vary. Two of them read English (BEN), three read Shari'ah Law, one takes IRK, and the other Sports Science. 'Worldly' subjects do not take them away from their fitrah. They hold firm to their grounds.

Coming from a 'secular' school (sekolah harian biasa..hehe..) i felt below par, really. Although I used to don a 'mushroom tudung' (tudung labuh besar), it wasn't genuine. I was a tudung labuh celup and the nature of things that are celup is that the celupan will fade. Just like Zhulian. It needs re-polishing. I need to be polished. If given the choice, I would certainly love to don the tudung labuh again but the soft and light textile does not seem to conceal my aurat properly, given my anthropometric measurement. Perhaps I should find a better alternative. I'll write more on my history of tudung labuh in the near future.

To compare myself to him/them is like comparing a Korean bling2 brooch to a real diamond. They both spark and shine, bedazzling those eyeing these exhibits. Superficially, people can't even tell the difference sometimes. Both look fairly similar, both are equally attractive.








The difference lies deep within. Only the person who wears these two at the same time will feel and know the difference.

When will I be diamond?

reminiscence

I haven't written for a while. I was ambitious when i first subscribed to blogger. I had wanted to write at least twice or thrice a week. Now it's reduced to twice a month *sigh*

It isn't completely up to me, really. For me to be able to post in the blog, the computer has to be functioning properly. Then the internet connection has to be working well. Finally there has to be something to write..

When the computer and internet connection functioned well, my brain malfunctioned..or was at least sub-optimally functioning. When i had ideas crossing the synaptic junctions, i had no transfer medium!

First it was the mouse - it became paralysed and died. Then it's the celcom broadband sim card. For unknown reasons, it could not be detected by the phone. htc, nokia..semua tak detect. And now the CPU has broken down as well!! *double sigh*

Currently i'm able to write atas ehsan sahabatku nabilah yg selalu bagi pinjam laptop tatkala ada seminar atau case write-ups yang nak kena siapkan. Tenkiu nabilah! ^_^ Jasamu dikenang.

I first got to know nabilah when we were doing UNGS in the final short semester before embarking on our undergraduate study in Kuantan. We were roomies for about 3 months back in PJ. But at that time, i was pre-occupied with my inferiority complex, being surrounded by 'original' medical students with whom i could not be at par. For those who had not known, i registered to MCIIUM as a Bio Sc. student, jumped to Pharmacy as i entered year 2 and finally landed myself in Medicine.

2nd year in MCIIUM was the worst time i've ever experienced throughout my whole matriculation life. During the earlier part of the academic year, i was miserable. As time went by, i felt better but i was never truly happy. i'm a last-minute kind of person. i was, still am, but hopefully will no longer be.

When i joined d class with MEDCY students, they're all very dilligent, hardworking, selalu siap kerja awal, n selalu dapat jawab betul. On the other hand, i was not as dilligent, spent most of my time day-dreaming, siap kerja betul2 5 minit sebelum kena submit n banyak soalan yg xtau jawab!

Just imagine how low i felt at that time. I was having second thoughts. Am i really fit to join them? Do i belong? Have i made the right decision? Frankly speaking, I felt more intelligent when i was in Bio Sc.. Joining MEDCY reduced my self-confidence to a level lower than the unicellular amoeba.

I still remember crying hysterically on the morning of Physics paper, for fear that i might fail the exam. I talked to my mom, trying to convince her to allow me to intentionally skip the exam. I couldn't stand failing. I'd rather fail myself then let the lecturer fail me. Well eventually my immature plan was abandoned and i sat for the paper anyway. My grade wasn't excellent but at least i did not fail.

Allah taught me that it is my effort that counts, not the end result.

After being a medical student for 3 years and a bit, i feel more at home. i've developed meaningful friendships with people whose existence i've never realised until we're all dumped together in the same class.

Truly i feel blessed by Allah as He gives me the opportunity to develop myself amongst friends who are very nurturing. At times there are occasions in which my mistakes were being pointed out and I was reminded of things that i have done wrong. Incredibly, i feel happy with this sort of situation. No pretentions, no hard feelings. It's all pure sisterhood..or brotherhood. It's about being successful together.

From the depth of my heart, I feel glad because i know i'll be re-directed onto the right track should i swerve into the opposing lane.

This is how things should be. A friend ought to remind another friend of his mistakes in a very encouraging manner. One should also aknowledge positive traits that his friend has. This is what amar makruf nahi munkar should be like. We enjoin the good and forbid the evil with beautiful words and wisdom.

Remember that a rewarding experience related to an event will increase the probability of that event recurring?

Let's all be rewarding to ourselves and the people around us.