the moment

Sometimes we see in d movies (and even in real life) a scene of a mother who has just given birth to her son/daughter taking the first look at him/her with teary eyes, feeling so very emotional..the crying baby, upon listening to the mother's soothing voice and the ever familiar sound of her beating heart, calms down and starts searching for the mother..

Ideal? yes..

But that did not happen to me..

Do I feel bad that my moment was not a typical drama kind of moment?

Well, I guess not..

You see, it took me 24 hours to realise that the newborn that I was holding actually came out of my tummy..initially it felt like just like 'eh? magic la..' that the boy suddenly appeared in front of us..and for this kind of remark, Qayyum would usually reply, "sewel la kamu ni.."

Somehow, i could not connect the neonate to my pregnancy..my tummy was big and SUDDENLY it wasn't..there wasn't a baby and SUDDENLY there was..it's as though the two events did not fall on the same continuum..

It was 2nd day postpartum and the three of us were in the room, doing nothing and trying to figure things out..it was still very much the adjusting phase..the baby was in his cot (that small plastic trolley that they have in hospitals) and suddenly started whimpering, protruding out his tiny tongue, all the while wearing an innocent look..i thought, "uh oh, now he wants his feed." So qayyum took him, put him on my lap, and I got ready to feed him..but then the 'I-want-feed signals' disappeared..so we put him back on his cot..not long after that, the signals appeared again! I got puzzled..

"Kenapa baby ni macam ni? Nampak macam nak makan, tapi tak nak. Dia nak apa sebenarnya?" Said I, in desperation.

"Dia saja nak dekat dengan mak dia la tu. Ye la, sembilan bulan dia duduk dalam perut kamu, mesti la dia tak biasa lagi. Dia nak rasa mak dia la tu." said Qayyum.

*Dush!*

Qayyum's statement was like a direct blow to my head, setting my mind straight. And it suddenly dawned on me that yes, this IS the tiny thing that has been kicking and rolling and squirming within me..this is the baby whom I have carried for nine months, whose arrival into this world was the biggest agenda in our lives...it's him..it's him..

*rasa bersalah+terharu lalu menangis tatkala menatap wajah si kecil yang suci sambil tangan memeluk erat tubuh halus itu*

...and that was my moment..

Today he is 38 days old. Already the birthing experience seemed ancient althought it's not actually that long ago. Oh, well. I was not being as sentimental as I should. Saving it for the next child perhaps? Huhu..not until two years from now..