Didn't I tell you Allah is fair?

Alhamdulillah, Rayyan is now almost 9 months. He is actively crawling about, climbing up stairs, and cruising his way through, holding his grip firmly on table edges, chairs, walls, you name it. Life has been great since his arrival and inshaAllah more fun and adventure awaits in the future.

Rayyan is not an exclusively-breastfed child. He was fed with formula when he was 3 weeks plus. And because of this, I was given a free list of disapproved or unacceptable excuses for not breastfeeding a child.

He was around 3 months old when he had suppurative BCG lymphadenitis. I brought him to an A&E department of a government hospital (we always know gov. hospitals have this strict breastfeeding policy) and he was seen by the MO on-call, who happened to be a Middle Eastern chap. As a part of paediatrics history taking, inevitably I was asked on feeding.

Doc: "So, you're breastfeeding him?"

Me: "Yeah, well, not anymore. He's on formula."

He stopped writing and looked at me.

Doc: "How come you're not breastfeeding? You should know, shouldn't you?" (by then he had already known that I am a final year medical student. And oh please imagine a 'muka tak puas hati' while reading this sentence.)

Me: "Well, I had some problem initially. Couldn't really...."

...and the doc interrupted, "What problem? Mastitis? Abscess? Painful? You know that's still not a good excuse right? You can still breastfeed." (and now imagine a mocking face.)

Me: "Well, I..." and I went on, telling him about the underlying problem (which was none of those listed above), which to me is rather personal. But him being a doctor and I his patient, I suppose this piece of information is rather relevant. And after hearing my explanation, he took a deep breath and apologised to me, sincerely.

I did not really take this matter to heart because I understand how automatic it is for a healthcare worker to jump (and melatah) the moment a mother to an infant says "I am bottle-feeding my child." And I bet the primary example that will spontaneously appear in your head is Dr. Double A ;)

However, at the same time, I also felt as though my credibility as a mother is being questioned and put at stake, that no matter how good my parenting skill is, I am still not deemed an excellent mother simply because I have failed to breastfeed my child.

Perhaps one would think, being a medical student, wouldn't I know better? That the mother's milk is the most precious food a child can be fed?

Now let me ask you back. Wouldn't you think that I, knowing all the goodness and benefit of the mother's milk, would intentionally and without reasonable grounds forsake this noble part of motherhood?

I have always thought of how bad a mother can be when she doesn't breastfeed her child. Scientifically, it is proven to be the best and in the Quran ,it specifically mentions 'two years' when it comes to breastfeeding. Knowing this, the decision to finally feed formula milk to my son was an emotional one and it certainly wasn't an easy one. I had to fight with this innate feeling of wanting to fully breastfeed my child for I know the prospect of completing 6 months with success is very poor.

'Two years of breastfeeding' has become some sort of 'kata-kata keramat' for breastfeeding mothers. I acknowledge that this is what Islam recommends but is that just it? Somehow or rather, I felt that people have not been quoting this phrase completely. There must be something else that follows that phrase, something that makes it complete as I know with certainty that Islam is a holistic religion, applicable to all walks and phases of life. If Allah were to make a general rule that ALL mothers must breastfeed her children for two years, then certainly Allah would have made it equally possible for all. But no, there are women who have different phenotypes that do not permit them to successfully breastfeed, at least not at the first try. So for this group of people, I am sure Allah has something for them in store.

And so I took my 'textbook' i.e. Text, Translation, and Commentary of The Holy Qur'an by Abdullah Yusuf Ali. This is what I found:

Surah Al-Baqarah, verse 233:

The mothers shall give suck to their offspring for two whole years, if the father desires to complete the term. But he shall bear the cost of their food and clothing on equitable terms. No soul shall have a burden laid on it greater than it can bear. No mother shall be treated unfairly on account of her child. Nor father on account of his child, an heir shall be chargeable in the same way. If they both decide on weaning, by mutual consent, and after due consultation, there is no blame on them. If you decide on a foster-mother for your offspring, there is no blame on you, provided you pay (the mother) what you offered, on equitable terms. But fear Allah and know that Allah sees well what you do.

Now, can you see how incomplete the abovementioned phrase is? Can you appreciate that it is only, say, one-eighth of a full paragraph?

By quoting this verse, I mean to point out that:

1. Yes, it is best to nurse one's child for two full years (and I salute those who have succeeded in this).

2. ...but Allah will not burden one with something one is not capable of handling (which means different people are tested differently and Allah does not compare one's result to the other whose test is different).

3. ...and should one decide to wean her children earlier than the recommended two years and it is done with mutual consent and due consultation, IT IS OKAY!

So my message to all of you out there, when you have become a doctor/nurse/any healthcare personnel you may be, please do not unnecessarily label and stigmatise those who do not breastfeed their children. Yes it is our job to educate and persuade them, but at the end of the day, it is by their own free-will that they decide to go for it or otherwise.

If they say they have serious problems/issues that they are unable to breastfeed, then trust that they have spoken the truth and help accordingly. If they lied (e.g.: they say they have some real problem with breastfeeding but are actually worried about their breasts sagging), then be comforted by the fact that Allah knows all that they do. We can only know what people tell us but it is Allah who, at then end of the day, judges what is in people's heart.

Allah is Fair in all aspects of His Creation and He is Perfect in all aspects of His Commands. May we be forgiven for the imperfections of our conduct.

Doctor Donkey

"Perbandingan orang-orang (Yahudi) yang ditanggungjawab dan ditugaskan (mengetahui dan melaksanakan hukum) Kitab Taurat, kemudian mereka tidak menyempurnakan tanggungjawab dan tugas itu, samalah seperti keldai yang memikul bendela kitab-kitab besar (sedang ia tidak mengetahui kandungannya). buruk sungguh bandingan kaum yang mendustakan ayat-ayat keterangan Allah; dan (ingatlah), Allah tidak memberi hidayah petunjuk kepada kaum yang zalim." (Al-Jumu’ah : 5)

I was going through a blog this morning to search for some articles and I stumbled upon this particular translation in on of the blog's articles. Immediately I could see myself transforming into a donkey, bearing all this weight of tonnes of medical textbooks on my shoulders! If one were to have a look at my four-tier book rack, one would've been awed at just how numerous and thick the books are (and not to mention all the fancy medical names on them!).

And to think that I have been carrying the thick Davidson textbook of Internal Medicine for the past 2 weeks or so in my bright orange backpack with having only read SEVERAL pages (not even a full chapter) from the book, I certainly have become the donkey mentioned in the above surah. An obese donkey, in fact.

We carry thick medical textbooks.

We read those textbooks.

We probably understand most of the content.

But do we really practise what the books have taught us?

One would think, "Oh well we're still in the student phase. We'll get the hang of it once we become real doctors. How are we supposed to master it if we are not doing it everyday like when we become doctors later on?"

Hm I won't disagree because there is some truth in that.

But I have to say that there is a chance for us to practise/apply our knowledge while we're still students. In fact it is what we're supposed to do as students - to answer and ask questions in class or during teaching. It's not an option but a responsibility that comes together with the role of a student. It's not a noble voluntary act when a student answers correctly a question posed by a lecturer. And it certainly is not an attempt to self-humiliate when one answers a question wrongly. It's a responsibility carried out.

Our job now is not just to finish reading textbooks. It's our job to assimilate the knowledge that we have and express it in the verbal form. That is how we know that our thought process is leading us on the right track. And that is also how the lecturers know that we know. As a popular quote by Mr. F goes, "Whatever that is in your head, if it does not come out of your mouth, means you don't know."

I find that many of us (in fact most of us) know a lot of things. Sometimes I just envy how powerful the memory that some of us have and how diligent many of us are when it comes to studying. I often walk with pride when I see how full the library is and my fellow brothers and sisters striving hard in their studies.

Unfortunately, many are not willing (or are not courageous) enough to offer answers when the lecturers ask. Well at least most of the time all we do is whisper the answers to ourselves or to our friends, but never loudly and directly to the lecturer - all because we are too afraid lest we answer wrongly. Heck, even when we are confident that our answer is correct, we still hide behind our friends praying and hoping that we will not be picked by the lecturer.

Sometimes it frustrates me to see this happening so rampantly and despite us already becoming a final year student.

I have been called stupid.

I have been laughed at by an MO during ward round.

I have been laughed at by a very senior paediatrician in an auditorium filled with 12o medical students.

I have been smirked at by a melioidosis expert.

It's all because I gave wrong answers and sometimes even full-blown idiotic answers.

Did I feel embarrassed? Of course I did. In fact I cried. At home. Or least in my heart, sometimes.

But it's okay. At least I know what I dont know. One won't know what one doesn't know if one doesn't start to be asked questions and fails to answer them.

That did not deter me from answering questions. It used to kill my self-esteem and motivation, but now it no longer does. In fact it has made my skin thicker and thicker that I don't really care anymore if I make silly or stupid mistakes now. I'd rather be laughed at by my lecturers than be yelled and scolded by my boss once I've started working.

It's a part of a student's life to screw up because that is how we learn. But once we've become real practising doctors, it's our responsibility to not get screwed.

My point is, many of us put the focus on READING but neglects SPEAKING. When we don't make it a habit to speak our knowledge, it won't come out as easily at times when we need it the most. In fact, when we constantly rehearse our knowledge, the synapses become faster and the speed of our thinking becomes faster. And when we're so used to rehearsing something, it becomes natural once we practise it.

I was on-call the night before with a few friends, and already we felt at loss after clerking new cases, not knowing exactly how to go about if we were in that situation 6 months down the road. It has made me realise that if i don't utilise the remainding days that I have as a medical student, I'll end up being a doctor donkey.

I'm probably now a junior donkey.

Well I guess it's time to stop donkeying around and yee-hawing. I'd better start working on becoming a responsible human being again.

Of medicines and disturbed feeling

"ye????? knpa ada pihak x puas ati dgn produk muslim?? org kita juga yg buat.. halal 200%..!! xde bhn kimia langsung.. tp biler produk luar tu xpe..tmbhn pula dgn bhn kimia dan kandungan2nya itu.. tak pula pikir itu ade kesan sampingannye??"

I found the above statement while browsing through websites that post articles about products/reviews on companies selling alternative medications.

If I were somebody who did not know better and happened to read this fella's statement, I would've been equally emotional and angry at 'those people' who have the 'tendency' to 'condemn MUSLIM's products'. And I believe 'those people' in this context is the country's Health Ministry.

The above comment was a response following a statement by a Health Officer that bans the usage of a product because of its content (taken from Utusan Online):

19/05/2010 3:41pm

KUALA LUMPUR 19 Mei – Orang ramai yang mengalami masalah hidung tersumbat hari ini dinasihati supaya mengelak daripada membeli atau menggunakan produk tradisional ubat semburan hidung “357 Nasal Spray” yang dikeluarkan oleh syarikat Three Five Seven Sdn. Bhd.

Pengarah Kanan Perkhidmatan Farmasi Kementerian Kesihatan, Eisah A. Rahman berkata, ini kerana pendaftaran produk itu telah dibatalkan oleh Pihak Berkuasa Kawalan Dadah (PKBD) berikutan pengesanan racun berjadual, dexamethasone yang terkandung dalam produk tersebut.

“Ubat-ubatan yang mengandungi Dexamethasone hanya boleh dibekalkan dengan preskripsi doktor. Penggunaannya dalam perubatan tradisional tanpa pengawasan doktor boleh mengakibatkan kesan advers serius seperti tekanan darah tinggi, edema iaitu bengkak pada tisu lembut dan sindrom Cushingoid yang menyebabkan muka menjadi tembam dan berat badan meningkat,” katanya dalam satu kenyataan di sini hari ini.

Mengenai produk rawatan mata keluaran Syarikat Permata Hijrah, beliau berkata, produk itu telah dinotifikasikan sebagai produk kosmetik yang hanya untuk digunakan di bahagian muka sekitar luar mata untuk tujuan estetika dan bukan bermaksud untuk menyembuhkan penyakit mata. – Bernama

A blogger posted the above article in his blog, and somehow the name Permata Hijrah popped up thus the comment i pasted earlier.

It tears my heart to be reading such a comment. It hurts so bad because firstly, it shows how people are being misled by certain people who are selfish enough and whose main interest is to sell their products by shouting "PRODUK MUSLIM BERKUALITI" as their marketing strategy. Secondly, it gives a bad reputation to the 'modern medicine' field when people retaliate against modern medicine for supposedly condemning alternative medicine whereas they just don't know the whole picture!

And don't you just see the irony? These products claim to be 'safe from chemicals and guaranteed halal' and are able to cure all sorts of diseases. But when you run a chemical check, steroid is almost always on top of the list of content in their products. Steroid, my dears, is a drug used in the 'modern medicine' field. It's a wonder drug but highly toxic if misused/abused thus the need for controlled use. So tell me now. Which part of this "Produk Muslim" is chemical-free and where exactly is its independence from 'modern medicine'? And the fact that its uncontrolled use causes great harm to the consumer, can you dare say that it is halal?

As somebody once said, "Islamik pun tidak, saintifik pun tidak."

Dah la guna nama Islam, kondem pulak perubatan moden. Tapi tak Islamik pun dan guna jugak ubat moden. Tak faham, tak faham..

I do not intend to be skeptical about traditional/alternative medicine. In fact, I have been quite open in discussing about this issue. It is because of the attitude of these people that makes me feel frustrated.

People say modern medicines have got many side effects. I say, yes the drugs do have many side effects. It only means that the drugs are being properly tested and we are HONEST enough to admit that these side effects can occur. NEVER ONCE will modern medicine say that it can CURE ALL DISEASES 100%. And the fact the these side effects are documented, specific measures can be taken to monitor the onset of these side effects and proper measures can be taken to manage the side effects.

On the other hand, these alternative medicines claim to be able to cure all kinds of diseases and are supposedly free from side effects because they use only 'natural resources'.

Let me tell you something. Many of modern medicines are derivatives of plants, many of which are found in Asia. They took these plants, did research, refined its use, and documented its effects. Take the anti-cancer drugs Vincristine for example. It is derived from the plant periwinkle. And no, it's not some foreign flower. It can be found everywhere in Malaysia kat tepi-tepi parit dan tepi-tepi jalan. Google it up and you will go "Oooo bunga tu..."

With regards to side effects, I am pleased to announce that NOTHING in this world, no matter how natural it is, has got NO SIDE EFFECTS and TOXICITY. Oxygen, if given in a very high concentration can cause toxicity. Water. If you load a person with gallons of water, can cause side effects and toxicity. Yes, water and oxygen, the essence of life.

Nothing in this world, my dears, are free from side effects and toxicity.

Kindly be noted that this article, by no means, generally condemns ALL form of alternative medicine. I have no issue if the products are given a green light by the Health Ministry. At least registered products tend to be a bit more honest. But consumers need to also understand that these products are merely supplements.

I condemn those who are hypocrite and selfish. Those liars whose lies cause death of many people.

I've been in the hospital for only three years and already I see many cases of people who come to the hospital at the brink of death because of their refusal towards hospital-based treatment. I do not blame these people. They did not know better. I blame those liars who have made false claims and accusation, who adamantly influence people by their sweet talks despite being told that they are wrong.

I blame them.

And yes, I am a bit emotional as of now.

change we must..

watched a morning talk show.. there was a slot with this Doctor in (prolly a regular in the show).. his knowledge is good and his answers were accurate..

but..

fluent he was not.. it was a staccato-like speech, pausing after every word uttered.. could see that he had a hard time trying to translate the terms from english to BM while he was talking, hence the pauses.. and not to mention the poker face! ye la, you want to convey something but your brain is busy processing and translating the words, your facial expression will be affected too..

if i were a layperson, i would've thought that this doctor is not confident enough..

the problem is not in his knowledge, but his communication!

and unfortunately, many doctors don't communicate enough with patients.. inadequate time? that's a lame excuse.. with the influx of doctors, more can be done.. if a doctor in Sandakan (with very few HOs) can educate his patients enough, why not the rest of us?

we're putting all the blames on the patients when they are not compliant to treatments and follow-ups.. we accuse them of not being well-educated.. well guess what? if i were in their shoes, i would've have done the same thing, too.. heck, being a medical student and knowing so much, i still miss taking my medications and feel reluctant to go for follow-ups; let alone other people who don't know better!

wanting to educate a patient is one thing, KNOWING how to do it is another.. it's a skill, not a given.. many a times i see a healthcare worker 'educating' the patients but the info is so textbook, i could see the blankness in the patients' eyes.. but they angguk and say 'yes, sir' anyway because they are too afraid to 'question' the healthcare worker, whereas it is their absolute right to know and understand about their condition!

scare tactics work well in making the patients seal their mouths shut and not question the managements imposed on them.. im not saying doctors don't manage well.. they do.. but sometimes it's their method of 'persuading' the patients into accepting the management is what i do not agree with.. we're limiting the utilisation of their free-will, something special that Allah has given to us human beings.. most of the patients comply just because they want to get out of the hospital ASAP, so they just play along.. it's certainly not because they know that the treatment is the best for them.. even worse, some patients who cannot stand being deprived of the attention and emotional needs eventually put their signature onto the Discharge At Own Risk form so that they can go home and seek treatment from the bomohs instead..

...now don't blame the patients if they prefer a bomoh to a doctor..bomohs treat (read:layan) them better..

it's never too late to be what you might have been

a letter from Dr. Tawfique Chowdhury

As-salâmu 'alaikum wa rahmatullâhi wa barakâtuhu

My dear friends, students, patrons, supporters, brothers and sisters in faith. My deepest love and respects to you and your beloved ones on the advent of Ramadan. Like the other 1.5 billion Muslims on this earth, I am sure we cannot wait to start fasting daily and enjoying the blessings of prayer and the Quran in this month. Many positive feelings overtake us this month: excitement, happiness, anticipation of blessings and reward, joy upon meeting family and friends regularly and the delight of amazing delicacies on the iftar table!

However for many of us, it is the negative emotions that predominate at the start of this month: fear of yet another unsuccessful Ramadan, apprehension and guilt. We start this month of Ramadan feeling guilty for being away from Allah for so long; for not having read the Quran this year until now; of not having prayed any tahajjud prayer until now; of not having fasting throughout the year - except for now. This guilty feeling leads to a lot of negativity in our approach to this month and perhaps to the lack of optimism in retrying those special attempts we had made before to read the whole Quran or to pray taraweeh and tahajjud every night or some other good deed in Ramadan. In fact for so many of us, guilt takes us away from Allah and makes us feel inferior and sometimes cripples us to lesser levels of aspiration and success. "What can this poor slave of Allah achieve anyway, when he is so engrossed in sins having done so many evil deeds?" For many - the thought of what we have done in the past - cripples us to what we can do in the future.

However, I would like to ask you all to approach this Ramadan guilt free! Free of guilt of the past. Why worry about something you can't change? It is not the past that should worry us or bother us, rather what could happen in the future. The past is the past - we can't change the sins we have done in the past - so to constantly focus on that for the vast majority of us - is far more crippling for the future than anything else. The prophetic guidance is to regret the past sins and missed opportunities, whilst fearing the future possible sins and being weary of missing future opportunities.

It is as Ibnul-Qayyium said in AnNooniyyah: "By Allah, I don't fear my past sins, since I have sincerely repented to Allah and Allah loves to forgive.However, what I truly fear is that in the future this heart of mine will cease to rule by this Quran and this revelation."

Remember that Allah is AlWadud - the loving God - He is the one who loves you more than your own parents! Have you not heard how Sufyan atThawri said: "I would rather that Allah judges me on the Day of Judgement rather than my own parents, for indeed I know that Allah loves me more than my own parents!" [Reported in Hilyatul-Awliyaa] So overpowering is Allah's mercy that it has transcended His anger. So wide is His Mercy that the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said: "If the disbeliever knew of the extent of the Mercy of Allah, then none would have despaired of entering His Paradise!" [Reported by Muslim] And plus, what past sins, when your sincere repentance with Allah's Mercy would have wiped it away and replaced it with equivalent good deeds: "Except those who repent, believe and do righteous deeds - they are the ones who Allah will turn their bad deeds into good deeds. And indeed Allah is most Forgiving most Merciful." [AlFurqan 25:70]

My friends, how do you dare to think that Allah does not love you when He says so clearly in the Quran: "Allah has not forgotten you, nor does he hate you!" [AdDuha 93:3] If He hated you, why did He keep you alive till another Ramadan? If He hated you, why does he provide for you even when you disobey Him? If He did not love you, why is He allowing you to taste the sweetness of loving Him this month by fasting and praying? If He didn't love you, why did He keep you upon Islam?

So come back to AlWadud - your loving Lord - the one who loves you more than anything else. He is waiting for you and is more happy with you remembering Him than you can imagine. If you come to Him today, He will rush to you. If you remember Him, He will remember you. If you talk about Him, He will talk about you to those with Him. If you say sorry O Allah, He will forgive you and turn them into good.

So start your Ramadan guilt free and enjoy a month of renewed emaan and focus on the good that you can do this month. Learn from the past, but focus on the future! It is truly as the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said: "Verily actions are judged by their endings."

With all my love and prayer for your success in this month

PS Please forward to your friends and family

Your brother,

Dr. Tawfique Chowdhury
Director General
Mercy Mission World
http://www.mercymissionworld.org

the moment

Sometimes we see in d movies (and even in real life) a scene of a mother who has just given birth to her son/daughter taking the first look at him/her with teary eyes, feeling so very emotional..the crying baby, upon listening to the mother's soothing voice and the ever familiar sound of her beating heart, calms down and starts searching for the mother..

Ideal? yes..

But that did not happen to me..

Do I feel bad that my moment was not a typical drama kind of moment?

Well, I guess not..

You see, it took me 24 hours to realise that the newborn that I was holding actually came out of my tummy..initially it felt like just like 'eh? magic la..' that the boy suddenly appeared in front of us..and for this kind of remark, Qayyum would usually reply, "sewel la kamu ni.."

Somehow, i could not connect the neonate to my pregnancy..my tummy was big and SUDDENLY it wasn't..there wasn't a baby and SUDDENLY there was..it's as though the two events did not fall on the same continuum..

It was 2nd day postpartum and the three of us were in the room, doing nothing and trying to figure things out..it was still very much the adjusting phase..the baby was in his cot (that small plastic trolley that they have in hospitals) and suddenly started whimpering, protruding out his tiny tongue, all the while wearing an innocent look..i thought, "uh oh, now he wants his feed." So qayyum took him, put him on my lap, and I got ready to feed him..but then the 'I-want-feed signals' disappeared..so we put him back on his cot..not long after that, the signals appeared again! I got puzzled..

"Kenapa baby ni macam ni? Nampak macam nak makan, tapi tak nak. Dia nak apa sebenarnya?" Said I, in desperation.

"Dia saja nak dekat dengan mak dia la tu. Ye la, sembilan bulan dia duduk dalam perut kamu, mesti la dia tak biasa lagi. Dia nak rasa mak dia la tu." said Qayyum.

*Dush!*

Qayyum's statement was like a direct blow to my head, setting my mind straight. And it suddenly dawned on me that yes, this IS the tiny thing that has been kicking and rolling and squirming within me..this is the baby whom I have carried for nine months, whose arrival into this world was the biggest agenda in our lives...it's him..it's him..

*rasa bersalah+terharu lalu menangis tatkala menatap wajah si kecil yang suci sambil tangan memeluk erat tubuh halus itu*

...and that was my moment..

Today he is 38 days old. Already the birthing experience seemed ancient althought it's not actually that long ago. Oh, well. I was not being as sentimental as I should. Saving it for the next child perhaps? Huhu..not until two years from now..

ikhlas

an email i received from my mother, something interesting i would like to share ;)

ORANG IKHLAS ITU TERTINDAS?

Jika kita memberi kebaikan kepada seseorang, kebaikan itu akan dibalas walaupun yang membalasnya bukan orang yang kita berikan kebaikan itu. Hakikat ini mengingatkan saya kepada satu perbualan yang berlaku sewaktu saya mengendalikan program latihan beberapa tahun lalu di sebuah organisasi.

“Saya tidak mempunyai apa-apa harapan lagi pada organisasi ini,” kata seorang kakak berterus-terang.

“Mengapa?” balas saya.

“Organisasi ini dipenuhi oleh kaki bodek dan kaki ampu. Saya terseksa bekerja secara ikhlas di sini. Tidak pernah dihargai, tidak ada ganjaran yang wajar. Saya bukannya orang yang bermuka-muka. Tak pandai saya nak ampu-ampu orang atas, Fokus saya kepada kerja sahaja.”

Kakak itu sebenarnya adalah peserta program yang paling senior. Telah berpuluh tahun bekerja dalam organisasi tersebut. Itu adalah kali terakhir dia mengikuti program latihan. Enam bulan lagi dia akan bersara. Kesempatan yang diberikan kepadanya dalam sesi memperkenalkan diri itu telah digunakannya sepenuhnya untuk meluahkan rasa kecewa dan marahnya sepanjang berkhidmat di situ. Sungguh, dia kecewa sekali. Siapa tidak marah, jika bekerja secara ikhlas dan gigih tetapi tidak pernah dinaikkan pangkat atau mendapat kenaikan gaji?

Sewaktu rehat, sambil minum-minum dan berbual santai saya bertanya kepadanya, “kakak punya berapa orang anak?”

Sengaja saya bertanya soal-soal “di luar kotak” agar ketegangan dalam sesi sebelumnya dapat diredakan.

“Oh ramai encik…”

“Bagaimana dengan anak-anak kakak?”

Wah, saya lihat dia begitu ceria apabila mula menceritakan tentang anak-anaknya. Boleh dikatakan semua anak-anaknya berjaya dalam profesion masing-masing. Ada yang menjadi doktor, jurutera, pensyarah dan sebagainya. Malah seorang anaknya telah menjadi hafiz.

“Kakak, boleh saya bertanya?”

“Tanyalah encik…” ujar kakak itu sambil tersenyum. Mendung di wajahnya sudah berlalu. Dia begitu teruja bila bercerita tentang anak-anaknya. Memang, semua anak-anaknya menjadi.

“Jika kakak diberi pilihan, antara anak-anak yang “menjadi” dengan naik gaji, mana yang kakak pilih?”

Belum sempat dia menjawab, saya bertanya lagi, “antara kakak naik pangkat dengan anak-anak berjaya dalam karier mereka, mana yang kakak pilih?”

Dengan cepat kakak itu menjawab, “hati ibu encik… tentulah saya pilih anak-anak saya menjadi walaupun tidak naik gaji atau dapat pangkat. Anak-anak adalah harta kita yang paling berharga!”

Saya tersenyum. Hati ibu, begitulah semestinya.

“Kakak, sebenarnya keikhlasan dan kegigihan kakak bekerja dalam organisasi ini telah mendapat ganjaran…” kata saya perlahan. Hampir berbisik.

“Maksud encik?”

“Allah telah membalas dengan ganjaran yang lebih baik dan lebih kakak lebih sukai. Bila kakak ikhlas bekerja dalam organisasi ini, Allah berikan kepada kakak anak-anak yang menjadi.”

“Tidak pernah saya terfikir begitu encik…”

“Allah Maha Berkuasa. Ada kalanya takdir dan perbuatan-Nya terlalu misteri dan rahsia untuk dijangkau oleh pemikiran kita. Tetapi yakinlah what you give, you get back. Itu hukum sunatullah dalam hubungan sesama manusia. Kebaikan yang kita buat akan kembali kepada kita. Yakinlah.”

“Walaupun bukan daripada seseorang atau sesuatu pihak yang kita berikan kebaikan itu?”

“Maksud kakak?”

“Macam ni, saya buat kebaikan kepada organisasi tempat saya bekerja, tapi Allah berikan kebaikan kepada keluarga. Pembalasan Allah bukan di tempat saya bekerja, sebaliknya diberikan dalam keluarga saya. Begitukah encik?”

“Itulah yang saya katakan tadi, takdir Allah kekadang terlalu misteri. Tetapi ketetapannya mutlak dan muktamad, siapa yang memberi kebaikan akan dibalas dengan kebaikan. Dalam istilah biasa itu dipanggil golden rule!”

Kakak itu termenung. Mungkin memikirkan pertalian dan kaitan antara apa yang berlaku dalam organisasi dengan familinya.

“Metafora atau analoginya begini. Katalah kita sedang memandu di satu jalan yang mempunyai dua atau tiga lorong. Penuh sesak. Tiba-tiba sebuah kereta yang tersalah lorong di sebelah memberi isyarat untuk masuk ke lorong kita. Kerana simpati melihat dia terkial-kial memberi isyarat, kita pun beralah, lalu memberi laluan untuk kereta itu masuk di hadapan kita…”

Saya berhenti seketika mengambil nafas sambil mencari reaksi. Saya lihat kakak itu mendengar penuh minat. Dia meneliti metafora yang saya sampaikan dengan begitu teliti.

“Kemudian kita terus memandu ke hadapan. Mungkin sejam kemudian atau setelah berpuluh-puluh kilometer, tiba-tiba kita pula yang tersalah lorong. Kita pula yang memberi lampu isyarat untuk masuk ke lorong sebelah. Soalnya logikkah kalau kita mengharapkan kereta yang kita bantu sebelumnya memberi laluan untuk kita?”

Kakak itu tersenyum dan berkata, “tak logik encik. Kereta yang kita bantu tadi entah ke mana perginya.”

“Tapi ada tak kereta lain yang simpati dan memberi laluan untuk kita?’

“Pasti ada! Insya-Allah.”

“Ya, begitulah. Padahal kereta itu tidak pernah sekali pun kita tolong. Tetapi Allahlah yang menggerakkan hati pemandunya untuk memberi laluan kepada kita. Orang yang kita beri kebaikan, tidak ada di situ untuk membalas kebaikan kita… Tetapi Allah menggerakkan hati orang lain, yang tidak pernah merasa kebaikan kita untuk membalas kebaikan kita tadi.”

“Subhanallah!”

“Begitu dalam litar di jalan raya dan begitu jualah litar dalam kehidupan manusia. Kita buat baik kepada A, tetapi kerap kali bukan A yang membalas kebaikan kita tetapi B atau C atau D atau lain-lainnya yang membalasnya. Inilah hakikat yang berlaku dalam kehidupan ini.”

“Kita tidak boleh kecewa bila keikhlasan kita dipersiakan?” tanya kakak itu lagi. Lebih kepada satu respons minta diiyakan.

“Kakak, ikhlas sebenar tidak pinta dibalas. Tetapi Allah Maha Kaya dan Maha Pengasih, siapa yang ikhlas akan diberi ganjaran walaupun mereka tidak memintanya kerana setiap kebaikan itu akan dikembalikan kepada orang yang melakukannya. Ia umpama bola yang dibaling ke dinding, akan melantun semula kepada pembalingnya!”

“Selalunya saya dengar, orang ikhlas akan dibalas di akhirat.”

“Itulah balasan yang lebih baik dan kekal. Tetapi saya katakan tadi, Allah Maha kaya, Allah mahu dan mampu membalas keikhlasan hamba-Nya di dunia lagi.”

“Maksud encik?”

“Orang yang ikhlas akan diberi ketenangan dan kebahagiaan dalam hidup. Anak-anak yang soleh dan solehah. Isteri yang taat atau suami yang setia. Dan paling penting… hati yang sejahtera. Inilah kekayaan dan kelebihan yang lebih utama daripada pangkat, gaji dan jawatan.”

“Jadi orang ikhlas akan terus ditindas, tidak dapat kenaikan pangkat atau gaji? Bukan apa, saya terfikir kenapa nasib kaki ampu dan kaki bodek lebih baik dalam organisasi. Mereka dapat naik pangkat!”

Giliran saya pula tersenyum.

“Tidak ada kebaikan yang akan kita dapat melalui jalan yang salah. Percayalah, kalau benar mereka kaki ampu dan bodek sahaja… pangkat yang mereka dapat akan menyebabkan mereka melarat. Gaji naik, tetapi ketenangan hati menurun. Ingat apa yang saya kata tadi, what you give you get back… Golden rule itu bukan untuk kebaikan sahaja, tetapi untuk kejahatan juga. Kalau kita berikan kejahatan, kejahatan itu akan kembali semula kepada kita. Kaki ampu, mungkin akan dapat anak yang pandai bermuka-muka. Kaki bodek mungkin dibalas dengan isteri yang berpura-pura!” terang saya panjang lebar.

“Jadi apa yang harus saya lakukan dengan baki masa perkhidmatan yang tinggal tidak beberapa bulan lagi ni?”

“Bekerjalah dengan gigih. Walaupun mungkin bos tidak melihatnya, tetapi Allah Maha Melihat. Bekerja itu satu ibadah. Insya-Allah, satu hari nanti manusia juga akan diperlihatkan oleh Allah tentang keikhlasan manusia yang lain. Jangan berhenti memberi kebaikan hanya kerana tidak dapat penghargaan…”

“Maksud encik?”

“Jangan mengharap terima kasih daripada manusia atas kebaikan yang kita buat kepadanya.”

“Kenapa?”

“Kita akan sakit jiwa!”

“Kenapa?”

“Kerana umumnya manusia tidak pandai berterima kasih. Lihatlah, kalau kepada Allah yang Maha Memberi pun manusia tidak pandai bersyukur dan berterima kasih, apalagi kepada manusia yang pemberiannya terbatas dan berkala. Sedikit sekali daripada manusia yang bersyukur,” balas saya mengulangi apa yang maktub dalam Al Quran.

“Tetapi Allah tidak berhenti memberi… “ kata kakak itu perlahan.

“Walaupun manusia tidak berterima kasih kepada-Nya. Sekalipun kepada yang derhaka dan kafir, tetapi Allah terus memberi… Justeru siapa kita yang tergamak berhenti memberi hanya kerana tidak mendapat penghargaan dan ucapan terima kasih?”

“Ah, kita terlalu ego…”

Dan itulah kesimpulan perbualan yang saya kira sangat bermakna dan besar impaknya dalam hidup saya. Saya terasa “diperingatkan” semasa memberi peringatan kerana pada hakikatnya saya juga tidak terlepas daripada lintasan hati oleh satu pertanyaan… orang ikhlas tertindas?