ikhlas

an email i received from my mother, something interesting i would like to share ;)

ORANG IKHLAS ITU TERTINDAS?

Jika kita memberi kebaikan kepada seseorang, kebaikan itu akan dibalas walaupun yang membalasnya bukan orang yang kita berikan kebaikan itu. Hakikat ini mengingatkan saya kepada satu perbualan yang berlaku sewaktu saya mengendalikan program latihan beberapa tahun lalu di sebuah organisasi.

“Saya tidak mempunyai apa-apa harapan lagi pada organisasi ini,” kata seorang kakak berterus-terang.

“Mengapa?” balas saya.

“Organisasi ini dipenuhi oleh kaki bodek dan kaki ampu. Saya terseksa bekerja secara ikhlas di sini. Tidak pernah dihargai, tidak ada ganjaran yang wajar. Saya bukannya orang yang bermuka-muka. Tak pandai saya nak ampu-ampu orang atas, Fokus saya kepada kerja sahaja.”

Kakak itu sebenarnya adalah peserta program yang paling senior. Telah berpuluh tahun bekerja dalam organisasi tersebut. Itu adalah kali terakhir dia mengikuti program latihan. Enam bulan lagi dia akan bersara. Kesempatan yang diberikan kepadanya dalam sesi memperkenalkan diri itu telah digunakannya sepenuhnya untuk meluahkan rasa kecewa dan marahnya sepanjang berkhidmat di situ. Sungguh, dia kecewa sekali. Siapa tidak marah, jika bekerja secara ikhlas dan gigih tetapi tidak pernah dinaikkan pangkat atau mendapat kenaikan gaji?

Sewaktu rehat, sambil minum-minum dan berbual santai saya bertanya kepadanya, “kakak punya berapa orang anak?”

Sengaja saya bertanya soal-soal “di luar kotak” agar ketegangan dalam sesi sebelumnya dapat diredakan.

“Oh ramai encik…”

“Bagaimana dengan anak-anak kakak?”

Wah, saya lihat dia begitu ceria apabila mula menceritakan tentang anak-anaknya. Boleh dikatakan semua anak-anaknya berjaya dalam profesion masing-masing. Ada yang menjadi doktor, jurutera, pensyarah dan sebagainya. Malah seorang anaknya telah menjadi hafiz.

“Kakak, boleh saya bertanya?”

“Tanyalah encik…” ujar kakak itu sambil tersenyum. Mendung di wajahnya sudah berlalu. Dia begitu teruja bila bercerita tentang anak-anaknya. Memang, semua anak-anaknya menjadi.

“Jika kakak diberi pilihan, antara anak-anak yang “menjadi” dengan naik gaji, mana yang kakak pilih?”

Belum sempat dia menjawab, saya bertanya lagi, “antara kakak naik pangkat dengan anak-anak berjaya dalam karier mereka, mana yang kakak pilih?”

Dengan cepat kakak itu menjawab, “hati ibu encik… tentulah saya pilih anak-anak saya menjadi walaupun tidak naik gaji atau dapat pangkat. Anak-anak adalah harta kita yang paling berharga!”

Saya tersenyum. Hati ibu, begitulah semestinya.

“Kakak, sebenarnya keikhlasan dan kegigihan kakak bekerja dalam organisasi ini telah mendapat ganjaran…” kata saya perlahan. Hampir berbisik.

“Maksud encik?”

“Allah telah membalas dengan ganjaran yang lebih baik dan lebih kakak lebih sukai. Bila kakak ikhlas bekerja dalam organisasi ini, Allah berikan kepada kakak anak-anak yang menjadi.”

“Tidak pernah saya terfikir begitu encik…”

“Allah Maha Berkuasa. Ada kalanya takdir dan perbuatan-Nya terlalu misteri dan rahsia untuk dijangkau oleh pemikiran kita. Tetapi yakinlah what you give, you get back. Itu hukum sunatullah dalam hubungan sesama manusia. Kebaikan yang kita buat akan kembali kepada kita. Yakinlah.”

“Walaupun bukan daripada seseorang atau sesuatu pihak yang kita berikan kebaikan itu?”

“Maksud kakak?”

“Macam ni, saya buat kebaikan kepada organisasi tempat saya bekerja, tapi Allah berikan kebaikan kepada keluarga. Pembalasan Allah bukan di tempat saya bekerja, sebaliknya diberikan dalam keluarga saya. Begitukah encik?”

“Itulah yang saya katakan tadi, takdir Allah kekadang terlalu misteri. Tetapi ketetapannya mutlak dan muktamad, siapa yang memberi kebaikan akan dibalas dengan kebaikan. Dalam istilah biasa itu dipanggil golden rule!”

Kakak itu termenung. Mungkin memikirkan pertalian dan kaitan antara apa yang berlaku dalam organisasi dengan familinya.

“Metafora atau analoginya begini. Katalah kita sedang memandu di satu jalan yang mempunyai dua atau tiga lorong. Penuh sesak. Tiba-tiba sebuah kereta yang tersalah lorong di sebelah memberi isyarat untuk masuk ke lorong kita. Kerana simpati melihat dia terkial-kial memberi isyarat, kita pun beralah, lalu memberi laluan untuk kereta itu masuk di hadapan kita…”

Saya berhenti seketika mengambil nafas sambil mencari reaksi. Saya lihat kakak itu mendengar penuh minat. Dia meneliti metafora yang saya sampaikan dengan begitu teliti.

“Kemudian kita terus memandu ke hadapan. Mungkin sejam kemudian atau setelah berpuluh-puluh kilometer, tiba-tiba kita pula yang tersalah lorong. Kita pula yang memberi lampu isyarat untuk masuk ke lorong sebelah. Soalnya logikkah kalau kita mengharapkan kereta yang kita bantu sebelumnya memberi laluan untuk kita?”

Kakak itu tersenyum dan berkata, “tak logik encik. Kereta yang kita bantu tadi entah ke mana perginya.”

“Tapi ada tak kereta lain yang simpati dan memberi laluan untuk kita?’

“Pasti ada! Insya-Allah.”

“Ya, begitulah. Padahal kereta itu tidak pernah sekali pun kita tolong. Tetapi Allahlah yang menggerakkan hati pemandunya untuk memberi laluan kepada kita. Orang yang kita beri kebaikan, tidak ada di situ untuk membalas kebaikan kita… Tetapi Allah menggerakkan hati orang lain, yang tidak pernah merasa kebaikan kita untuk membalas kebaikan kita tadi.”

“Subhanallah!”

“Begitu dalam litar di jalan raya dan begitu jualah litar dalam kehidupan manusia. Kita buat baik kepada A, tetapi kerap kali bukan A yang membalas kebaikan kita tetapi B atau C atau D atau lain-lainnya yang membalasnya. Inilah hakikat yang berlaku dalam kehidupan ini.”

“Kita tidak boleh kecewa bila keikhlasan kita dipersiakan?” tanya kakak itu lagi. Lebih kepada satu respons minta diiyakan.

“Kakak, ikhlas sebenar tidak pinta dibalas. Tetapi Allah Maha Kaya dan Maha Pengasih, siapa yang ikhlas akan diberi ganjaran walaupun mereka tidak memintanya kerana setiap kebaikan itu akan dikembalikan kepada orang yang melakukannya. Ia umpama bola yang dibaling ke dinding, akan melantun semula kepada pembalingnya!”

“Selalunya saya dengar, orang ikhlas akan dibalas di akhirat.”

“Itulah balasan yang lebih baik dan kekal. Tetapi saya katakan tadi, Allah Maha kaya, Allah mahu dan mampu membalas keikhlasan hamba-Nya di dunia lagi.”

“Maksud encik?”

“Orang yang ikhlas akan diberi ketenangan dan kebahagiaan dalam hidup. Anak-anak yang soleh dan solehah. Isteri yang taat atau suami yang setia. Dan paling penting… hati yang sejahtera. Inilah kekayaan dan kelebihan yang lebih utama daripada pangkat, gaji dan jawatan.”

“Jadi orang ikhlas akan terus ditindas, tidak dapat kenaikan pangkat atau gaji? Bukan apa, saya terfikir kenapa nasib kaki ampu dan kaki bodek lebih baik dalam organisasi. Mereka dapat naik pangkat!”

Giliran saya pula tersenyum.

“Tidak ada kebaikan yang akan kita dapat melalui jalan yang salah. Percayalah, kalau benar mereka kaki ampu dan bodek sahaja… pangkat yang mereka dapat akan menyebabkan mereka melarat. Gaji naik, tetapi ketenangan hati menurun. Ingat apa yang saya kata tadi, what you give you get back… Golden rule itu bukan untuk kebaikan sahaja, tetapi untuk kejahatan juga. Kalau kita berikan kejahatan, kejahatan itu akan kembali semula kepada kita. Kaki ampu, mungkin akan dapat anak yang pandai bermuka-muka. Kaki bodek mungkin dibalas dengan isteri yang berpura-pura!” terang saya panjang lebar.

“Jadi apa yang harus saya lakukan dengan baki masa perkhidmatan yang tinggal tidak beberapa bulan lagi ni?”

“Bekerjalah dengan gigih. Walaupun mungkin bos tidak melihatnya, tetapi Allah Maha Melihat. Bekerja itu satu ibadah. Insya-Allah, satu hari nanti manusia juga akan diperlihatkan oleh Allah tentang keikhlasan manusia yang lain. Jangan berhenti memberi kebaikan hanya kerana tidak dapat penghargaan…”

“Maksud encik?”

“Jangan mengharap terima kasih daripada manusia atas kebaikan yang kita buat kepadanya.”

“Kenapa?”

“Kita akan sakit jiwa!”

“Kenapa?”

“Kerana umumnya manusia tidak pandai berterima kasih. Lihatlah, kalau kepada Allah yang Maha Memberi pun manusia tidak pandai bersyukur dan berterima kasih, apalagi kepada manusia yang pemberiannya terbatas dan berkala. Sedikit sekali daripada manusia yang bersyukur,” balas saya mengulangi apa yang maktub dalam Al Quran.

“Tetapi Allah tidak berhenti memberi… “ kata kakak itu perlahan.

“Walaupun manusia tidak berterima kasih kepada-Nya. Sekalipun kepada yang derhaka dan kafir, tetapi Allah terus memberi… Justeru siapa kita yang tergamak berhenti memberi hanya kerana tidak mendapat penghargaan dan ucapan terima kasih?”

“Ah, kita terlalu ego…”

Dan itulah kesimpulan perbualan yang saya kira sangat bermakna dan besar impaknya dalam hidup saya. Saya terasa “diperingatkan” semasa memberi peringatan kerana pada hakikatnya saya juga tidak terlepas daripada lintasan hati oleh satu pertanyaan… orang ikhlas tertindas?

my two cents..

Just finished anaesthesiology posting this noon and went to East Coast Mall for a walk. Was thinking of treating myself with a scoop of Pralines 'n Cream but changed my mind and bought Chocolate Cookie Latte at Big Apple instead. I think the latte was loaded with too much caffeine so I only finished half of the total volume (wouldn't want my kid to get jumpy in there..huhu..)

Well, that's not the most interesting part of my window-shopping spree tho. It's something that I overheard in Brands Outlet store that intrigued me.

I was scanning through the colourful, multi-styled clothes that were hung neat in the store with mannequins lining up along the aisle doing what they do best - looking fashionable and chic. The colours fascinated me but alas, my physique is not made by God to fit into the skimpy clothes that the manufacturers have to offer.

And then I arrived at the children section. The choice of dresses and clothes that they have for children, I would say, is much much more than what I used to see when I was small as far as my memory serves me right. The myriads of colours and patterns and styles..gosh it makes one feel tempted to fill up the shopping basket with every single clothes in line. This would be the most perfect time for the devils to work their art of persuasion - whispering into the hearts of beings with an XX chromosome to fulfill their lust towards beautiful and cute things.

As I was strolling down the aisle, all the while amazed at the collection that this store has, I could not help but overhear a lady saying to two other friends who were looking for girl clothes to purchase. She said, "Kalau baju girl kena beli yg seksi-seksi sikit, baru la cute."

Immediately, I felt this sense of uneasiness. Is that perception a safe one?

The designs of girl clothings have evolved so much from the past that they now appear to be miniatures of adult-style clothings. This includes really sexy and skimpy clothing (altho they don't have the bumps and curves to show off as yet).

Children are innocent beings and no matter how they dress, they would still be innocent. However, what I am concerned of is how differently people with twisted minds perceive these children nowadays. There are numerous stories in the newspaper of children being sexually harassed and abused in every way possible (and sometimes unfathomable) by adults whose idea of sexual gratification is immensely distorted.

While dressing a child in a revealing clothing is not impermissible in Islam, it carries the risk of attracting unnecessary danger to the child in the current world that we live in.

With child pornography business flourishing, children are portrayed as sexual beings, one capable of becoming the source of excitement and satisfaction. A child is never viewed the same way again by those who are exposed to this kind of pornography. One would have already been conditioned into feeling sexually attracted to children.

In addition, sexy clothing that is associated with sexy adults (who inevitably instigate a certain degree of arousal in those with an XY chromosome) is also now related to children.

These two factors combined, a greater negative effect may be produced when a child dons such kind of clothing.

One might argue that even a child who dresses decently has fallen prey to this cruelty. Then why all the fuss on clothing? A child might as well be running naked and remained untouched but another counterpart be wrapped head-to-toe and become a victim.

Well, in every happening in our life, various parties are involved. The part that we're most in control of is our portion of responsibility. It is up to us to do what it takes to reduce the risk or probability of an event occurring. When we have done all that we could, we pray and leave everything to Allah. Anything that happens afterwards is simply takdir. But nobody would blame us for trying, would they?

Therefore, I am in the opinion that children should not be dressed in too revealing a clothing. Trust me, they won't lose anything. The value of fashion is instilled by the parents while a child is growing up. A strongly embedded value is what remains and becomes the guideline for the child when he/she becomes an adult.

It's our choice to make.

limited diaphragm expansion therefore inability to sleep with only one pillow..

increased lumbar curvature therefore the discomfort while listening to interminable lectures, sitting on the non-ergonomic chairs..

compressed urinary bladder therefore the constant sensation of micturition although the urine volume is still far below normal threshold..and oh not to mention the funny sensation that I get when this little kiddo in me kicks right on my urinary bladder..

steadily growing belly with occasional keterlupaan yang perut ni dah besar therefore terlanggar orang/kerusi/meja/tombol pintu/dinding..

oh nikmat ibu mengandung..

bak kata sorang patient ophthal haritu, penyakit ni anugerah Allah..sebab apa? sebab bila sakit, kena usaha untuk cari penawar..n sbb kita usaha tu, dpt la pahala..pahala kan anugerah..

pakcik..tima kasih..

bak kata qayyum "jangan merungut..dulu kata pregnancy ni senang, tak rasa sakit mcm orang..ni Allah dah bagi ujian, tak boleh la merungut (implying that i was the one who had wanted to be tested by Allah in this pregnancy)"

for which I replied, "orang tak merungut la..meluahkan perasaan je..kan berbeza tu.."

(after two years of being married to a law student, I have apparently developed this skill of using the right term when arguing or making a statement. Kalau tidak habis semua statement kita kena putar belit..haish..)

Oh Allah..thank you for the tests that You are putting me through..when the pregnancy had been too easy to bear, I felt as though You have forgotten me..now I know You are giving me the chance to gain your acknowledgment by being patient and persistent in facing the challenges You have put forth..may I persevere, inshaAllah..

Saturday in Kuantan - a morning of contemplation

It's a weekend and I'm in Kuantan!

Looks like i've broken the chain of commuting back and forth KTN-KUL almost every weekend without fail for the past 1 year. Oh, well. Dr. Jamal said that an alim said that the best Muslim is one who sacrifices for others. So, in the spirit of takaful, i decided to stay in Kuantan to allow some time and space for Qayyum to finish his assignments -_-"

I spent the entire morning browsing through the internet and have just finished watching an edited clip of In The Womb taken from a National Geographic documentary, which was posted on a friend's FB wall. I've seen the clip before and it really touched my soul. But watching it again with a bigger tummy and a tiny being wriggling underneath it created a more intense feeling - a feeling of awe at the creation of Allah and how miraculous His creation is. Subhanallah! It's utterly amazing how we were once a drop of sperm+ovum who have grown up to become the beautiful people we are today, mashaAllah. It's hard to describe what I really felt and words can't do justice in instilling that same feeling in those who are reading this. I would suggest you watch the video. Just type the keywords and search it in any search engine you so wish.

The video camera that they planted in the uterus is simply fantastic. You can appreciate the facial expression that the fetus does and how cute he looks while sucking his thumb. He yawns and stretches and sleeps in a serenity only those living the uterine world are blessed to experience - a world full of secrets and mysteries, safely kept in Allah's vault of miracles. He jumps and kicks and twists around. He practices how to breathe and drinks the amniotic fluid, only to experience a glimpse of what awaits him in the external world.

Watching the video, I had this sense of heaviness in my chest, not out of sadness or frustration. It was simply a feeling of --- terharu (i can't find an english word that fits the description of terharu huhu). I could almost imagine what the 'dude' (as jau calls him) is doing in my tummy. It's just so overwhelming to know that you have in you this little thing clinging onto you for love and nourishment. I almost cried (oh, well i did cry) as I felt the love flowing from my heart to the innocent little being - my son. Yup, my son. The life that Allah has entrusted upon me - a life to be nourished with His knowledge and attributes, to prepare him to become a Khalifah who carries out Allah's administrative job in this world.

Looking back 4 months ago when I first learned that Allah has put in me another life, i was afraid more than i was overjoyed - afraid of the responsibility that I now have to carry. The fear rooted from uncertainties, whether or not I will be able to cope with the new situation. Will I be able to guide this child to follow the Path that Allah has set forth for those who believe? Will he end up closer to Allah or will he be dragged away, drifting in the stream of corruption of the temporary world? Will I be persistent and patient in facing Allah's tests on my family?

All these questions kept swarming my mind that I could not entirely enjoy the bliss and happiness of motherhood, which explains why I occasionally felt annoyed when people addressed being pregnant and having babies as something 'oh-so-cute-and-adorable'. I would have this reflex answer in my head saying, "You see cute but I see responsibility. You see adorable but I see heaven and hellfire."

Huhu. Don't i sound like a miserable mother?

Now, now. Try reading that dialogue with a calm and smiling face, not in a grumpy and complaining tone.

While it's not wrong to see it from the 'cute perspective', it is also incomplete. Cute and adorable are adjectives that describe the physique and materials associated with pregnancies and babies, hence a materialistic description. We can see cute kids everywhere but the way some parents treat (or mistreat) them is just unacceptable. To see how these children are spiritually and intellectually deprived is fairly frustrating. This will create a generation that is highly developed aestethically but empty inside.

Whereas we should be placing the emphasis on the development of the soul - how beautiful our child will be in the eyes of Allah. Seeing things beyond face value, you will see that all the fancy stuff that accompanies pregnancies and babies are just added benefits - a small reward that Allah gives to us, an apple of our eyes. The true reward lies in the calmness and serenity that Allah places in our hearts knowing that we have put forth our utmost effort in doing what needs be.

Having this perspective in mind, inshaAllah our efforts will be more focused on bringing up the child the right way, a way that nurtures the soul as much as it nurtures the body. It prevents us from overly 'decorating' the child. Yes, some people do decorate their children. When parents buy fancy shirts and dresses for their children, it really is for the fulfilment of their desire and not the child's.

When I went window-shopping online for baby stuff, it was me who went 'Aww that's cute!' and 'I like that pattern' and 'That's so adorable!' You think the baby in me even cared? Of course not!

Now when i'm thinking of buying stuff, I would have to contemplate for a loooong time. Am i buying it just because it looks cute, or do i really need it? Am i buying a more expensive item just because of its brand or do i sincerely believe that it provides more comfort or safety? And more importantly, is it for me or is it for Allah?

Is it for me, or is it for Allah...

what say you?

Dont know why but felt like pasting this news article here. Been emotional about what I've read. Read about it and do share what you feel about this.

Historic EPA finding: Greenhouse gases harm humans

By H. JOSEF HEBERT and DINA CAPPIELLO, Associated Press Writers H. Josef Hebert And Dina Cappiello, Associated Press Writers – Mon Dec 7, 11:29 pm ET

WASHINGTON – The Obama administration took a major step Monday toward imposing the first federal limits on climate-changing pollution from cars, power plants and factories, declaring there was compelling scientific evidence that global warming from manmade greenhouse gases endangers Americans' health.

The announcement by the Environmental Protection Agency was clearly timed to build momentum toward an agreement at the international conference on climate change that opened Monday in Copenhagen, Denmark. It signaled the administration was prepared to push ahead for significant controls in the U.S. if Congress doesn't act first on its own.

The price could be steep for both industry and consumers. The EPA finding clears the way for rules that eventually could force the sale of more fuel-efficient vehicles and require plants to install costly new equipment — at a cost of billions or even many tens of billions of dollars — or shift to other forms of energy.

No analysis has been conducted by the EPA on costs of such broad regulations, although the agency put the price tag of its proposed climate-related car rules at $60 billion, with an estimated benefit of $250 billion.

Energy prices for many Americans probably would rise, too — though Monday's finding will have no immediate impact since regulations have yet to be written. Supporters of separate legislation in Congress argue they could craft measures that would mitigate some of those costs.

Environmentalists hailed the EPA announcement as a clear indication the United States will take steps to attack climate change even if Congress fails to act. And they welcomed the timing of the declaration, saying it will help the Obama administration convince delegates at the international climate talks that the U.S. is serious about addressing the problem. Obama will address the conference next week.

But business groups said regulating carbon emissions through the EPA under existing clean air law would put new economic burdens on manufacturers, cost jobs and drive up energy prices.
"It will choke off growth by adding new mandates to virtually every major construction and renovation project," declared Thomas Donohue, president of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, which in recent months has been particularly critical of the EPA's attempt to address climate change.

The EPA signaled last April that it was inclined to view heat-trapping pollution as a threat to public health and welfare and began to take public comments for formal rulemaking. That marked a reversal from the Bush administration, which had refused to issue the finding, despite a conclusion by EPA scientists that it was warranted.

EPA Administrator Lisa Jackson said Monday, "There are no more excuses for delaying," adding that the so-called endangerment analysis from global warming had been under consideration at the agency for three years. After the official finding, she said the agency is now "obligated to make reasonable efforts to reduce greenhouse pollutants under the Clean Air Act."

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said President Barack Obama "still believes the best way to move forward is through the legislative process" — something Obama has expressed on a number of occasions as he has pressed Congress to shift the nation's energy priorities away from fossil fuels and to reduce climate-changing pollution.

The EPA said scientific evidence clearly shows that greenhouse gases "threaten the public health and welfare of the American people" and that the pollutants — mainly carbon dioxide from burning fossil fuels — should be reduced, if not by Congress then by the agency responsible for enforcing air pollution.

"These long-overdue findings cement 2009's place in history as the year when the United States government began addressing the challenge of greenhouse-gas pollution," said Jackson.

She rejected claims by climate skeptics that the science of global warming remains in doubt, an argument given additional attention in recent weeks with the disclosure through intercepted e-mails that a British scientist had privately discussed ways to shield certain climate data from public scrutiny.

"The vast body of evidence not only remains unassailable, it has grown even stronger," said Jackson.

Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., a lead author of a climate bill before the Senate, said of the finding: "This is a clear message to Copenhagen of the Obama administration's commitments to address global climate change. ... The message to Congress is crystal clear: Get moving."

Sen. Barbara Boxer, D-Calif., also a co-author, said, "The Senate has a duty to act."

Business groups have strongly argued against tackling global warming through the Clean Air Act, saying it is less flexible and more costly than the cap-and-trade legislation being considered by Congress. Any regulations from the EPA are certain to spawn lawsuits and a lengthy legal fights.
"Such regulations would be intrusive, inefficient and excessively costly, chill job growth and delay business expansion," argued Jack Gerard, president of the American Petroleum Institute, which also has been critical of the climate legislation before Congress.

"The Clean Air Act can complement legislation," said Jackson. In fact, if Congress were to cap greenhouse gas emissions, the EPA probably would be given the responsibility of implementing the law.

The EPA's involvement in reducing climate-changing pollution, stems from a 2007 Supreme Court decision that declared that carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases are pollutants under the Clean Air Act. But the court said the EPA would have to determine if these pollutants pose a danger to public health and welfare before it could regulate them.

how i became two..

The news that i am pregnant hit the public 3 weeks ago. The reaction and response from my friends was amazing - ada yang melompat kegembiraan, ada yang mengalirkan air mata sebab terharu sangat..huhu..and they say, "Finally our batch dah ada baby!" thanks to our seniors' batch with their 3 babies and more to come.

The scene of a pregnant female student walking about in the campus is not an uncommon sight here in IIUM, be it in Gombak or Kuantan. Many of the pregnancies were perhaps unplanned but there are also many who really planned to expand their family.

Some of you (or perhaps most) may be wondering which category i fall into. Rest assured that this has been well planned and with the Blessings and Mercy from Allah, He executes this plan.

I remember telling a close friend of mine (i.e. Fiey) about my new status. She was a bit quiet afterwards and did not appear to be as excited as i expected her to be. Only after i mentioned that it is well planned did her face shine and a she released a huge sigh of relief. She didn't know whether to congratulate or sympathise with me as she thought it was a result of contraceptive failure! huhuu..my fault for not informing her that i have stopped taking the pills many months back.

My parents, especially my dad, were not so keen on the idea of bearing a child while studying. In fact this was the main issue that my father brought up before he allowed me to get married. He said that accidents happen. I said accidents can be prevented. After I got married, he constantly reminded me not to give him a cucu as his birthday present. And I obediently kept my promise.

In contrast, Qayyum's parents were a bit open about this issue in the sense that they wouldn't mind if we decided to have a child early or wait a little bit longer. Though, the father likes little children so much and he tends to spoil them, which is something I quite worry.

Well perhaps my parents were worried that being pregnant will make things hard for me. Having to cope with the new condition and the demands of my studies, they feared that I might break and fall apart somewhere along the journey. Mak ayah mana la yang tak sayang anak kan. My dad, especially, was really worried that I would stop studying half way. That was why they objected to the idea of being pregnant before I graduate.

Long story made short, one night when I was in Temerloh doing my Paediatrics posting, my mother sent me an sms. She said that she is considering the prospect of becoming a grandmother and that she is able to help take care of the child if need be. This came as a surprise to me. We weren't even specifically discussing about that. It came out of the blue, unexpectedly. Something must have triggered her to think towards that way, I'm sure. I just don't know what it was.

And so further planning began..

Firstly, and most importantly, we tried to look for a target date that is the most suitable time for delivery. Being a student, good timing is essential. I wouldn't want to disturb my studies. From there, I calculated backwards (utilising Naegele rule here..hehe..) to get the rough estimation of when conception should occur. From there, I estimated the time needed for ovulatory cycle to return so that I can estimate when to stop taking the pill.

You see, I use a lot of the word 'estimate'. It's because we can only do so much. Only The Creator knows exactly when and how things will be.

And so began the endeavours towards achieving conception..

I didn't tell too many people about the fact that I was trying to conceive as I did not want to attract unnecessary stress from people asking questions like, "Dah berisi ke?" for which I will end up answering "Oh, saya mmg dari dulu berisi. Tak kurus-kurus." Sometimes I politely smile and try to ignore the question, pretending that I didn't hear it.

During the early phase of trying, I made some literature review (ehemm..rajin kan..) on how to assess fertility status. I took good care of the food that I ate and tried to lose some weight albeit unsuccessfully. I did urine pregnancy test (UPT) almost every week and of course they all came back negative. After about two months, I started to worry that perhaps I was subfertile. I've been oligomenorrhoeic all my life, and coincidentally (or not..) I was given the topic of 'Subfertility' for my seminar!

I realised that this trying has been stressful to me and stress is surely not fertility's best friend. I then stopped doing UPT and tried not to think so much about conceiving. If Allah wants to give, then He will.

One night on the third week of Shawal, I was talking on the phone with Qayyum and inevitably the topic of pregnancy entered the conversation. He asked me to read Surah Maryam and take the lessons from there. And so I did. It's very calming to know that in the most impossible circumstances imaginable to humans, Allah can easily grant a woman an offspring, as in the case of Nabi Zakariyya. They're already old and her wife is barren but with Allah's will, she gave birth to Yahya, the most obedient son one can ever have.

The following evening, I had this strong urge in me to go and purchase a UPT kit. I was so driven by this urge that I somewhat spontaneously drove my Kembara to the nearest pharmacy and bought two kits. I tried doing one that night, and two lines appeared. I got confused. Two lines? Eh, selalunya satu line je keluar. Waaaait a minute. Am I... pregnant? Whoa this is so unexpected. I tried once more the following morning and the same result was obtained.

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. Allah answered our prayer. And Qayyum, my dearest husband, became the happiest man in the world. Now there's a tiny little being attached very closely within me, relying on me for its survival.

Planning to have a baby is important. By planning I mean intentionally wanting to have a baby. For many young couples, they are not ready as yet to embark on a different kind of journey but end up having to face pregnancy and child-rearing at times when they are most unprepared.

Childbearing is a gift. But remember that it is also a responsibility. To shoulder a responsibility, one must be prepared. As Dr. Fauzi, a Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist said, children are not instant noodles that you boil for 3 minutes and then it's cooked. Children are people, children are humans. They need time to grow and develop.

Without adequate preparation and knowledge, it's really difficult to raise good and strong children especially in our modern world. Children become the adults they are mostly because of how they were taught, educated, and moulded when they were small.

Bearing a child while studying is even a bigger responsibility. The responsibility lies in the need to keep the reputation of the 'moms club' clean - to set a good example to other people and to demonstrate that being pregnant is not an excuse to become lazy or a reason to get away with things.

I pray hard that I remain steadfast on this path..

care to spend?

Today I attended a tafsir class by Dr. Walid who is an Egyptian engineer working in Malaysia and is well versed in tafsir Quran.

The discussion was on Surah Al-Hadid verses 1 to 13. I hope to share the things that I have learned, as a reinforcement of my memory and a gentle reminder to those who are caring enough to read this mediocre blog of mine. Your visit makes me smile every time :)

Whatever you will be reading thenceforth is just a simple way of my explaining what I understand and nothing is more meaningful than reading it from The Book itself.

Essentially, the early part of the surah outlines Allah's attributes, power, and control over His creations and how it is He who determines what we get for what we do. And then it goes on to lay down what is expected of us human beings.

The analogy is like that of a boss to his employee. Imagine you're a newly recruited member of the company and you're on your first day of work. The boss then calls all the new employee to a meeting room. He says:

"From today onwards, you will be working with this company. I am your boss and your fate in this company lies in my hand. I know everything that goes around the office, and I can assure you that every single thing you do will be rewarded or punished accordingly. Don't worry, I am as just as you can expect me to be. If you work hard, you will earn your credit. If you fail to meet my requirements, you may be expelled."

And so you nod your head in obedience and start to think to yourself:

"Ok, so what is expected of me? What are the things that will add to my merits and what will make me lose this job?"

This is where the subsequent part of the surah comes in. Allah tells us what we can do to earn His approval and reward and warns us on practices from which we ought to keep away. This part of the surah particularly addresses on spending our fortune for the sake of Allah.

Believe in Allah and His apostle, and spend (in charity) out of the (substance) whereof He has made you heirs. For, those of you who believe and spend (in charity),- for them is a great Reward (Al-Hadid, verse 7)

Notice that Allah states that we are made the heirs of the fortunes that we receive from Allah, no matter how large or small the fortune is. In other words, whatever we gain is an Amanah from Allah and we ought to spend it accordingly. Whatever we receive comes from Allah and will eventually go back to Allah.

Wait a minute..

So, does this mean that we cannot use our money to purchase personal items and spend on things that are apparently self-fulfilling such as, say, going for a holiday?

Now, take a step back and try to have a look at the bigger picture..

The money that we earn from our halal endeavours can be divided into portions...

Portion A - for zakat. This is an obligation. It is compulsory and the precentage is fixed. Technically, this portion of your money is not even yours. It cannot be yours. You just have to give it away.

Portion B - for personal use, for us to survive as a human being, and as a reward for all the hard work that we have put in.

Portion C - the one that we give away for the sake of Allah. It is really up to us how much to give and to whom. We know best how much we can afford to give away and Allah knows, too. Examples are funding a welfare organisation, donating to survivors of a disaster, etc.

Then again looking at a wider perspective, even as we spend the money on ourselves, when we do it consciously for the sake of Allah we get rewarded for that too. It's the things that we do every day. Sometimes we just forget to include Allah in the things we do.

Example:

We eat to live. It's basic human needs. It's what we do most of the time. But when you purchase your food with this conscious thought in your head that says 'oh i need to eat lunch so that i have the energy to perform Jumaat prayer later on', you get rewarded for that because you're doing it for the sake of Allah and not because the sambal ikan keli looks so tempting that you start salivating. Or when a pregnant mother consciously opts for healthier food for the reason that she has now the responsibility of ensuring the health of the unborn child, she gets rewarded for that. Although, of course if she happens to suddenly crave for something, she will not get penalised for eating it just because she feels like it. At least not unless it's excessive and harmful. Allah is Kind and Merciful.

Hold on a sec. So does this mean for every single thing I do I have to first verbalise the intention and then proceed to doing it?

Not necessarily. But..

It is always and always better to be conscious of what you're doing, to be purposive in every step of your action. Because that is rewarded more inshaAllah. And that will also give you a better sense of control over you actions. Sometimes some people like to say that they just 'go with the flow'. When things go wrong, they start blaming and pointing fingers. But really, you decide what you do next and you're responsible for every single thing you do anyway. So might as well be aware of it. Blaming doesn't work. What you have done is still your responsiblity.

Now back to spending..

The surah also implies that a person who spends in the way of Allah at times of struggle (say, for example, you gave some money to your friend when you have only ten bucks left in your pocket to spend for the day because you found out that he hasn't eaten for 2 days because he really has no money) is rewarded more than a person who spends in the way Allah at times of ease (say, you have fifty bucks in your pocket and more in your room and you gave five bucks to the beggar at the pasar malam).. Both will be rewarded, inshaAllah but in different degrees.

This also applies to other situations. When you're having a hard time, try to do some good deeds. You're really anxious about exams coming in two days' time whereas you have 50 topics to cover. Suddenly a friend comes and asks for a tutoring on a certain topic. Feeling reluctant? Don't be. Take this chance to gain extra from Allah.

What's keeping us from giving more in the way of Allah?

Most of the time, it's the issue of not believing enough that whatever you give away, you will get back. Always, giving away money is accompanied by this sensation of heaviness in the chest. This is a major issue of trust. Many just dont have enough faith that Allah will take care of them, which is rather disappointing. When Allah promises something, He doesn't promise it just because it sounds nice or seems ideal enough. It is what will be. You just have to have faith.

Allah promises that for every cent that we spend for charity, the reward will be multiplied and you will also receive extra bonus. Just as how you get birthday rewards from Celcom, this is even better.

However, always bear in mind that the reward will not necessarily appear as a material or in physical form. It can be anything. And it can be either now, in the hereafter, or both. As it is, for the good deeds that you do, the best of all rewards that you will gain in the world is in the form of knowledge and wisdom. Yes, that is what Allah promises us.

Wow, this sharing of information has become rather long. Well perhaps another entry can be posted to continue some other things that we have discussed during the class before the neuronal highway gets congested.

In the meantime, hope this helps.

Happy spending :)