basikal tua

transforsmers, oh, transformers

2011-06-30T03:27:00.006+08:00

So I just got back from watching Transformers 3, got back home at 30 minutes past 3am, and these 3 things describe what I felt post-Transformers - frustrated, annoyed, and annoyed..ok so that's two but with the gravity of three..

Im not sure how this entry is going to benefit the public at large, but im pretty sure it will do my sanity good..i need to ventilate my frustration somewhere hence this post..i've never written a movie review and this is never intended to be one..it's simply a personal rambling of frustration and dissatisfaction towards a movie that I happen to like..

So here it goes..

I first got to know - and sort of fell in love with - the Transformers when I first watched T2..there was so much wisdom and soul in it that the robots appeared more humane than humankind..the plot, although simple, was dense enough to capture the essence of their battle and survival..

Nothing similar, however, can be said about T3..in anticipation of this movie following the pleasant feeling that I had with T2, T3 was unable to relief the 'kerinduan' that i had towards Optimus..he was so dear n near to my heart that i just wished i could have more of him in T3..

I must say that I already felt at loss in the first quarter of the movie because there were just so many issues and scenes crammed into such a short duration that it became some sort of a touch'n'go event..there were too many stories that they wanted to tell in the early part of the movie, probably to help people understand the history of the whole thing as they unveil the hidden secrets..but in the end it all became too rapidly shifting that it was difficult to follow..well at least it was for me..and because of this, it appeared superficial..and.empty.

The characters, especially Sentinel, were not explored through..they could at least do a bit more on elaborating Sentinel's character..he is supposed to be the main focus of the whole thing but that blondie overshadowed him i suppose..And as a result, I was unable to get in touch with the characters in the movie because there were just too many..i felt disconnected..

And then there's this blondie who is so damn annoying (in fact im trying very, very hard to refrain myself from using multiple harsh words to describe her God help me!). Having her role in that movie is an insult to the depth and wisdom that the movie is supposed to portray (at least this is how it appeals to me) and it makes the whole movie, um, a blondie - posh, beautiful (questionable though) but empty.

So what if she provided that 'enlightenment' to Megatron? Her presence and the priority that they put in her role is a grave mockery to the more commendable acts of heroism by the soldiers, autobots, and Sam. And she makes Sam look so weak and naive..I mean, fighting a war and risking your life for a girlfriend who seems to be flirting with her boss right smack in front of your face? Oh come on, it's not the end of the world if she ends up dying like the rest did! Frankly, i wished she did..i wished the she would just end up *splat!* under a Decepticon tanker or something, or get engulfed by that Shockwave..

Her role in the movie steals away the exquisiteness of Transformers..her presence in the movie is as disturbing as the presence of a domestic fly that is spoiling an exclusive party..it's noisy, annoying, and such a nuisance..it's supposed to be small and insignificant but because it's always *bzzzzzzzt* butting in at every corner possible, it distracts, diverts, and shifts the guests' focus and attention from a more important and meaningful issues at stake..

Of course the fighting scenes were as superb as they can possibly be, and the 'flying' squad was amazing..Optimus still maintains being stylo-oh-so-macho! as he has always been, always excellent in his fights..if the fighting scenes were replaced with humans, it would've been gory, cold, and bloody..but because these were robots fighting, it somehow appeared sickeningly cool..

The movie is already strong as it is and able to stand on its own with all the robots-transforming-and-fighting scenes, it's a shame that they had to exploit the curves of a woman to hopefully spice things up..they could've added more soul to the story and excite me with a lot more words of wisdom from the Primes.

Oh crap I hate that blondie.

when silence is golden

2011-04-26T11:03:00.010+08:00

I came across this online article in TheStar Online, dated 15 Aprill 2011. Reading it made me feel angry, frustrated, and ashamed. These feelings are so intense that i need to ventilate my emotion by writing about it hence this post.

KUANTAN: Mentri Besar Datuk Seri Adnan Yaakob said the whole of the Gebeng industrial zone may as well be closed if the public continues to protest against the setting up of a rare earth refinery.

He said this was because every industry in Gebeng, the nation's chemical and petrochemical hub, produced some form of emission.

“If the people really feel strongly about it, then we can recommend for a total closure of Gebeng, and we shall see the reaction of the 20,000 people working there and that of their families,” he said yesterday.

He said the state government was drafting a way to ensure a more effective means of disseminating information about Lynas Corp - the owner of the rare earth refinery - to the public.

Adnan said armed with proper information, the public could then choose whether they want investment that could give them benefits or the opposition who wanted to be popular.

“If we want to be paranoid like them, we can argue that they are being instigated by a Lynas rival,” said Datuk Shahaniza Shamsuddin (BN - Kuala Sentul).

She said Australia and the United States were competing for the lion's share of the rare earth futures market since supply from China, the biggest producer of rare earth minerals now, would dry up by 2015.

Quoting from a report, Shahaniza said Lynas would produce one-third of the world's supply of rare earth minerals after two years of operation in Gebeng.

Several senior officers from the Atomic Energy Licensing Board (AELB) and Nuclear Malaysia were seen in the public gallery.

Among them were Nuclear Malaysia's waste and environmental technology division director Dr Muhamat Omar and AELB licensingdirector Hasmadi Hassan.

They also gave demonstrations on radiation reading to state assemblymen including the opposition during tea break.

When met later, Adnan said the state government planned to engage international experts in his road show on Lynas' operations.

The sitting resumes on Monday.

After reading this article, there can only be one conclusion that can be made about this sort of people - immature and unprofessional. Their mentality and way of thinking is so shallow and their way of responding to this issue (and many other issues i believe) is just so childish it makes me feel like killing myself for having leaders like this to (supposedly) move the country forward. Okay so maybe the suicide part is a bit exaggerated but seriously, i am that frustrated.

Firstly:

"We may as well close Gebeng." That's the english translation. Try imagining it being said in Bahasa Malaysia, "Kalau macam tu, kita tutup je la kawasan Gebeng tu."

So the situation is: Kalau kita takut sangat Lynas tu bukak kilang kat sini, takut radioaktif, tutup je la semua kilang yang ada kat Gebeng tu. Kata takut sangat kan? Kenapa tak suruh je kilang2 lain tu tutup je operasi dia?

So what are you trying to imply here? If we can't have one, then don't have all? How does your answer change anything in the management? Or are you even thinking at all? I find this stupid and silly answer being given time and again by those people whose knowledge and understanding is so poor that their answer serves merely as a diversion from the real issue at stake.

Yes, other various industries we can find in Gebeng (or anywhere else for that matter) do emit or produce harmful waste products. Nobody is even denying this fact. However, this should not be made as a baseline or comparison for future decisions, especially when even the current situation does not seem to paint a pretty picture. The country has outlined various rules and regulation that seem very appealing but how much is this being enforced? With all the pollution and contamination despite all the detailed protocols, is it safe to embark on yet another project for which its danger and harm is proven? Do we need more potential source of contamination and pollution when we already have many? Is it worth the risk?

If they (the leaders) are genuinely concerned about this issue, they should be asking these questions instead of jumping to an impulsive conclusion as being made by the abovementioned individuals. Oh well, perhaps it requires a higher degree of intelligence and wisdom to be able to direct one's thinking correctly, something which they probably do not possess as yet.

Secondly:

"If the people really feel strongly about it, then we can recommend for a total closure of Gebeng, and we shall see the reaction of the 20,000 people working there and that of their families,” he said yesterday.

This is another strategy that I find very unfair and cannot be used as a tool to make a decision especially one involving the lives of millions. People like to use sentiments that involve families. The like to provoke the people's emotion, which will then affect their judgment and future decision. When making important decisions, the mind should be clear and objective. Unfortunately, humans being humans, the clarity of mind is easily clouded by strong sense of emotion. When strong emotion comes into play, the decision being made is no longer objective.

Let us compare this to an analogy. Once upon a time, there was a very poor family who barely had anything to eat. The father and mother had poor educational and socioeconomic background and they never seemed to be able to secure a decent and stable job. With 7 mouths to feed, they would starve themselves, giving their portion of food to their children. One day, a man came with a sack filled with small packages of what seemed like white powders. The father was offered a job to deliver the sack to an anonymous person and for that he will be given a hefty amount of cash. One thing led to another and he is now one of the most successful drug pushers in the country.

We know drug abuse is harmful and drug trafficking is a serious offense that carries a death penalty. But at the same time, don't you see how the family has to struggle? Don't you feel sorry for the 7 children who do not have enough to eat? If the father does not sell drugs, how are they going to live? Tak kesian ke?

So, how would you decide? Would you decide based on the clear fact that drug trafficking is wrong as it causes harm, or would you instead consider the poverty that the family has to go through?

Being clear and objective, one would surely decide that drug trafficking is wrong and must be punished regardless of the circumstances at hand. If we start to become emotional, the drug business will turn into a legal industry because it is an "investment that could give them benefits". Oh, and not to mention the hundreds and thousands of job opportunities that it is able to provide. Perhaps the drug empire can even become one of the main stakeholders in the Malaysian share market.

Is this the right way to go?

Frankly, I am sick of seeing how the gov. makes decision based on how much $$ they can benefit from the decision that they are making. It is sickening how materialistic the gov. has become and it is damn sickening to see how much the worries of the people are being ignored, what more being responded to by people who, by right, should have their voice taken away by God because of the insurmountable stupidity that they demonstrate. In this case, silence is surely golden.

Didn't I tell you Allah is fair?

2011-02-20T23:23:00.005+08:00

Alhamdulillah, Rayyan is now almost 9 months. He is actively crawling about, climbing up stairs, and cruising his way through, holding his grip firmly on table edges, chairs, walls, you name it. Life has been great since his arrival and inshaAllah more fun and adventure awaits in the future.

Rayyan is not an exclusively-breastfed child. He was fed with formula when he was 3 weeks plus. And because of this, I was given a free list of disapproved or unacceptable excuses for not breastfeeding a child.

He was around 3 months old when he had suppurative BCG lymphadenitis. I brought him to an A&E department of a government hospital (we always know gov. hospitals have this strict breastfeeding policy) and he was seen by the MO on-call, who happened to be a Middle Eastern chap. As a part of paediatrics history taking, inevitably I was asked on feeding.

Doc: "So, you're breastfeeding him?"

Me: "Yeah, well, not anymore. He's on formula."

He stopped writing and looked at me.

Doc: "How come you're not breastfeeding? You should know, shouldn't you?" (by then he had already known that I am a final year medical student. And oh please imagine a 'muka tak puas hati' while reading this sentence.)

Me: "Well, I had some problem initially. Couldn't really...."

...and the doc interrupted, "What problem? Mastitis? Abscess? Painful? You know that's still not a good excuse right? You can still breastfeed." (and now imagine a mocking face.)

Me: "Well, I..." and I went on, telling him about the underlying problem (which was none of those listed above), which to me is rather personal. But him being a doctor and I his patient, I suppose this piece of information is rather relevant. And after hearing my explanation, he took a deep breath and apologised to me, sincerely.

I did not really take this matter to heart because I understand how automatic it is for a healthcare worker to jump (and melatah) the moment a mother to an infant says "I am bottle-feeding my child." And I bet the primary example that will spontaneously appear in your head is Dr. Double A ;)

However, at the same time, I also felt as though my credibility as a mother is being questioned and put at stake, that no matter how good my parenting skill is, I am still not deemed an excellent mother simply because I have failed to breastfeed my child.

Perhaps one would think, being a medical student, wouldn't I know better? That the mother's milk is the most precious food a child can be fed?

Now let me ask you back. Wouldn't you think that I, knowing all the goodness and benefit of the mother's milk, would intentionally and without reasonable grounds forsake this noble part of motherhood?

I have always thought of how bad a mother can be when she doesn't breastfeed her child. Scientifically, it is proven to be the best and in the Quran ,it specifically mentions 'two years' when it comes to breastfeeding. Knowing this, the decision to finally feed formula milk to my son was an emotional one and it certainly wasn't an easy one. I had to fight with this innate feeling of wanting to fully breastfeed my child for I know the prospect of completing 6 months with success is very poor.

'Two years of breastfeeding' has become some sort of 'kata-kata keramat' for breastfeeding mothers. I acknowledge that this is what Islam recommends but is that just it? Somehow or rather, I felt that people have not been quoting this phrase completely. There must be something else that follows that phrase, something that makes it complete as I know with certainty that Islam is a holistic religion, applicable to all walks and phases of life. If Allah were to make a general rule that ALL mothers must breastfeed her children for two years, then certainly Allah would have made it equally possible for all. But no, there are women who have different phenotypes that do not permit them to successfully breastfeed, at least not at the first try. So for this group of people, I am sure Allah has something for them in store.

And so I took my 'textbook' i.e. Text, Translation, and Commentary of The Holy Qur'an by Abdullah Yusuf Ali. This is what I found:

Surah Al-Baqarah, verse 233:

The mothers shall give suck to their offspring for two whole years, if the father desires to complete the term. But he shall bear the cost of their food and clothing on equitable terms. No soul shall have a burden laid on it greater than it can bear. No mother shall be treated unfairly on account of her child. Nor father on account of his child, an heir shall be chargeable in the same way. If they both decide on weaning, by mutual consent, and after due consultation, there is no blame on them. If you decide on a foster-mother for your offspring, there is no blame on you, provided you pay (the mother) what you offered, on equitable terms. But fear Allah and know that Allah sees well what you do.

Now, can you see how incomplete the abovementioned phrase is? Can you appreciate that it is only, say, one-eighth of a full paragraph?

By quoting this verse, I mean to point out that:

1. Yes, it is best to nurse one's child for two full years (and I salute those who have succeeded in this).

2. ...but Allah will not burden one with something one is not capable of handling (which means different people are tested differently and Allah does not compare one's result to the other whose test is different).

3. ...and should one decide to wean her children earlier than the recommended two years and it is done with mutual consent and due consultation, IT IS OKAY!

So my message to all of you out there, when you have become a doctor/nurse/any healthcare personnel you may be, please do not unnecessarily label and stigmatise those who do not breastfeed their children. Yes it is our job to educate and persuade them, but at the end of the day, it is by their own free-will that they decide to go for it or otherwise.

If they say they have serious problems/issues that they are unable to breastfeed, then trust that they have spoken the truth and help accordingly. If they lied (e.g.: they say they have some real problem with breastfeeding but are actually worried about their breasts sagging), then be comforted by the fact that Allah knows all that they do. We can only know what people tell us but it is Allah who, at then end of the day, judges what is in people's heart.

Allah is Fair in all aspects of His Creation and He is Perfect in all aspects of His Commands. May we be forgiven for the imperfections of our conduct.

Doctor Donkey

2011-02-15T12:54:00.003+08:00

"Perbandingan orang-orang (Yahudi) yang ditanggungjawab dan ditugaskan (mengetahui dan melaksanakan hukum) Kitab Taurat, kemudian mereka tidak menyempurnakan tanggungjawab dan tugas itu, samalah seperti keldai yang memikul bendela kitab-kitab besar (sedang ia tidak mengetahui kandungannya). buruk sungguh bandingan kaum yang mendustakan ayat-ayat keterangan Allah; dan (ingatlah), Allah tidak memberi hidayah petunjuk kepada kaum yang zalim." (Al-Jumu’ah : 5)

I was going through a blog this morning to search for some articles and I stumbled upon this particular translation in on of the blog's articles. Immediately I could see myself transforming into a donkey, bearing all this weight of tonnes of medical textbooks on my shoulders! If one were to have a look at my four-tier book rack, one would've been awed at just how numerous and thick the books are (and not to mention all the fancy medical names on them!).

And to think that I have been carrying the thick Davidson textbook of Internal Medicine for the past 2 weeks or so in my bright orange backpack with having only read SEVERAL pages (not even a full chapter) from the book, I certainly have become the donkey mentioned in the above surah. An obese donkey, in fact.

We carry thick medical textbooks.

We read those textbooks.

We probably understand most of the content.

But do we really practise what the books have taught us?

One would think, "Oh well we're still in the student phase. We'll get the hang of it once we become real doctors. How are we supposed to master it if we are not doing it everyday like when we become doctors later on?"

Hm I won't disagree because there is some truth in that.

But I have to say that there is a chance for us to practise/apply our knowledge while we're still students. In fact it is what we're supposed to do as students - to answer and ask questions in class or during teaching. It's not an option but a responsibility that comes together with the role of a student. It's not a noble voluntary act when a student answers correctly a question posed by a lecturer. And it certainly is not an attempt to self-humiliate when one answers a question wrongly. It's a responsibility carried out.

Our job now is not just to finish reading textbooks. It's our job to assimilate the knowledge that we have and express it in the verbal form. That is how we know that our thought process is leading us on the right track. And that is also how the lecturers know that we know. As a popular quote by Mr. F goes, "Whatever that is in your head, if it does not come out of your mouth, means you don't know."

I find that many of us (in fact most of us) know a lot of things. Sometimes I just envy how powerful the memory that some of us have and how diligent many of us are when it comes to studying. I often walk with pride when I see how full the library is and my fellow brothers and sisters striving hard in their studies.

Unfortunately, many are not willing (or are not courageous) enough to offer answers when the lecturers ask. Well at least most of the time all we do is whisper the answers to ourselves or to our friends, but never loudly and directly to the lecturer - all because we are too afraid lest we answer wrongly. Heck, even when we are confident that our answer is correct, we still hide behind our friends praying and hoping that we will not be picked by the lecturer.

Sometimes it frustrates me to see this happening so rampantly and despite us already becoming a final year student.

I have been called stupid.

I have been laughed at by an MO during ward round.

I have been laughed at by a very senior paediatrician in an auditorium filled with 12o medical students.

I have been smirked at by a melioidosis expert.

It's all because I gave wrong answers and sometimes even full-blown idiotic answers.

Did I feel embarrassed? Of course I did. In fact I cried. At home. Or least in my heart, sometimes.

But it's okay. At least I know what I dont know. One won't know what one doesn't know if one doesn't start to be asked questions and fails to answer them.

That did not deter me from answering questions. It used to kill my self-esteem and motivation, but now it no longer does. In fact it has made my skin thicker and thicker that I don't really care anymore if I make silly or stupid mistakes now. I'd rather be laughed at by my lecturers than be yelled and scolded by my boss once I've started working.

It's a part of a student's life to screw up because that is how we learn. But once we've become real practising doctors, it's our responsibility to not get screwed.

My point is, many of us put the focus on READING but neglects SPEAKING. When we don't make it a habit to speak our knowledge, it won't come out as easily at times when we need it the most. In fact, when we constantly rehearse our knowledge, the synapses become faster and the speed of our thinking becomes faster. And when we're so used to rehearsing something, it becomes natural once we practise it.

I was on-call the night before with a few friends, and already we felt at loss after clerking new cases, not knowing exactly how to go about if we were in that situation 6 months down the road. It has made me realise that if i don't utilise the remainding days that I have as a medical student, I'll end up being a doctor donkey.

I'm probably now a junior donkey.

Well I guess it's time to stop donkeying around and yee-hawing. I'd better start working on becoming a responsible human being again.

Of medicines and disturbed feeling

2010-10-24T12:27:00.005+08:00

"ye????? knpa ada pihak x puas ati dgn produk muslim?? org kita juga yg buat.. halal 200%..!! xde bhn kimia langsung.. tp biler produk luar tu xpe..tmbhn pula dgn bhn kimia dan kandungan2nya itu.. tak pula pikir itu ade kesan sampingannye??"

I found the above statement while browsing through websites that post articles about products/reviews on companies selling alternative medications.

If I were somebody who did not know better and happened to read this fella's statement, I would've been equally emotional and angry at 'those people' who have the 'tendency' to 'condemn MUSLIM's products'. And I believe 'those people' in this context is the country's Health Ministry.

The above comment was a response following a statement by a Health Officer that bans the usage of a product because of its content (taken from Utusan Online):

19/05/2010 3:41pm

KUALA LUMPUR 19 Mei – Orang ramai yang mengalami masalah hidung tersumbat hari ini dinasihati supaya mengelak daripada membeli atau menggunakan produk tradisional ubat semburan hidung “357 Nasal Spray” yang dikeluarkan oleh syarikat Three Five Seven Sdn. Bhd.

Pengarah Kanan Perkhidmatan Farmasi Kementerian Kesihatan, Eisah A. Rahman berkata, ini kerana pendaftaran produk itu telah dibatalkan oleh Pihak Berkuasa Kawalan Dadah (PKBD) berikutan pengesanan racun berjadual, dexamethasone yang terkandung dalam produk tersebut.

“Ubat-ubatan yang mengandungi Dexamethasone hanya boleh dibekalkan dengan preskripsi doktor. Penggunaannya dalam perubatan tradisional tanpa pengawasan doktor boleh mengakibatkan kesan advers serius seperti tekanan darah tinggi, edema iaitu bengkak pada tisu lembut dan sindrom Cushingoid yang menyebabkan muka menjadi tembam dan berat badan meningkat,” katanya dalam satu kenyataan di sini hari ini.

Mengenai produk rawatan mata keluaran Syarikat Permata Hijrah, beliau berkata, produk itu telah dinotifikasikan sebagai produk kosmetik yang hanya untuk digunakan di bahagian muka sekitar luar mata untuk tujuan estetika dan bukan bermaksud untuk menyembuhkan penyakit mata. – Bernama

A blogger posted the above article in his blog, and somehow the name Permata Hijrah popped up thus the comment i pasted earlier.

It tears my heart to be reading such a comment. It hurts so bad because firstly, it shows how people are being misled by certain people who are selfish enough and whose main interest is to sell their products by shouting "PRODUK MUSLIM BERKUALITI" as their marketing strategy. Secondly, it gives a bad reputation to the 'modern medicine' field when people retaliate against modern medicine for supposedly condemning alternative medicine whereas they just don't know the whole picture!

And don't you just see the irony? These products claim to be 'safe from chemicals and guaranteed halal' and are able to cure all sorts of diseases. But when you run a chemical check, steroid is almost always on top of the list of content in their products. Steroid, my dears, is a drug used in the 'modern medicine' field. It's a wonder drug but highly toxic if misused/abused thus the need for controlled use. So tell me now. Which part of this "Produk Muslim" is chemical-free and where exactly is its independence from 'modern medicine'? And the fact that its uncontrolled use causes great harm to the consumer, can you dare say that it is halal?

As somebody once said, "Islamik pun tidak, saintifik pun tidak."

Dah la guna nama Islam, kondem pulak perubatan moden. Tapi tak Islamik pun dan guna jugak ubat moden. Tak faham, tak faham..

I do not intend to be skeptical about traditional/alternative medicine. In fact, I have been quite open in discussing about this issue. It is because of the attitude of these people that makes me feel frustrated.

People say modern medicines have got many side effects. I say, yes the drugs do have many side effects. It only means that the drugs are being properly tested and we are HONEST enough to admit that these side effects can occur. NEVER ONCE will modern medicine say that it can CURE ALL DISEASES 100%. And the fact the these side effects are documented, specific measures can be taken to monitor the onset of these side effects and proper measures can be taken to manage the side effects.

On the other hand, these alternative medicines claim to be able to cure all kinds of diseases and are supposedly free from side effects because they use only 'natural resources'.

Let me tell you something. Many of modern medicines are derivatives of plants, many of which are found in Asia. They took these plants, did research, refined its use, and documented its effects. Take the anti-cancer drugs Vincristine for example. It is derived from the plant periwinkle. And no, it's not some foreign flower. It can be found everywhere in Malaysia kat tepi-tepi parit dan tepi-tepi jalan. Google it up and you will go "Oooo bunga tu..."

With regards to side effects, I am pleased to announce that NOTHING in this world, no matter how natural it is, has got NO SIDE EFFECTS and TOXICITY. Oxygen, if given in a very high concentration can cause toxicity. Water. If you load a person with gallons of water, can cause side effects and toxicity. Yes, water and oxygen, the essence of life.

Nothing in this world, my dears, are free from side effects and toxicity.

Kindly be noted that this article, by no means, generally condemns ALL form of alternative medicine. I have no issue if the products are given a green light by the Health Ministry. At least registered products tend to be a bit more honest. But consumers need to also understand that these products are merely supplements.

I condemn those who are hypocrite and selfish. Those liars whose lies cause death of many people.

I've been in the hospital for only three years and already I see many cases of people who come to the hospital at the brink of death because of their refusal towards hospital-based treatment. I do not blame these people. They did not know better. I blame those liars who have made false claims and accusation, who adamantly influence people by their sweet talks despite being told that they are wrong.

I blame them.

And yes, I am a bit emotional as of now.

change we must..

2010-08-22T09:58:00.002+08:00

watched a morning talk show.. there was a slot with this Doctor in (prolly a regular in the show).. his knowledge is good and his answers were accurate..

but..

fluent he was not.. it was a staccato-like speech, pausing after every word uttered.. could see that he had a hard time trying to translate the terms from english to BM while he was talking, hence the pauses.. and not to mention the poker face! ye la, you want to convey something but your brain is busy processing and translating the words, your facial expression will be affected too..

if i were a layperson, i would've thought that this doctor is not confident enough..

the problem is not in his knowledge, but his communication!

and unfortunately, many doctors don't communicate enough with patients.. inadequate time? that's a lame excuse.. with the influx of doctors, more can be done.. if a doctor in Sandakan (with very few HOs) can educate his patients enough, why not the rest of us?

we're putting all the blames on the patients when they are not compliant to treatments and follow-ups.. we accuse them of not being well-educated.. well guess what? if i were in their shoes, i would've have done the same thing, too.. heck, being a medical student and knowing so much, i still miss taking my medications and feel reluctant to go for follow-ups; let alone other people who don't know better!

wanting to educate a patient is one thing, KNOWING how to do it is another.. it's a skill, not a given.. many a times i see a healthcare worker 'educating' the patients but the info is so textbook, i could see the blankness in the patients' eyes.. but they angguk and say 'yes, sir' anyway because they are too afraid to 'question' the healthcare worker, whereas it is their absolute right to know and understand about their condition!

scare tactics work well in making the patients seal their mouths shut and not question the managements imposed on them.. im not saying doctors don't manage well.. they do.. but sometimes it's their method of 'persuading' the patients into accepting the management is what i do not agree with.. we're limiting the utilisation of their free-will, something special that Allah has given to us human beings.. most of the patients comply just because they want to get out of the hospital ASAP, so they just play along.. it's certainly not because they know that the treatment is the best for them.. even worse, some patients who cannot stand being deprived of the attention and emotional needs eventually put their signature onto the Discharge At Own Risk form so that they can go home and seek treatment from the bomohs instead..

...now don't blame the patients if they prefer a bomoh to a doctor..bomohs treat (read:layan) them better..

it's never too late to be what you might have been

2010-08-18T09:10:00.002+08:00

a letter from Dr. Tawfique Chowdhury

As-salâmu 'alaikum wa rahmatullâhi wa barakâtuhu

My dear friends, students, patrons, supporters, brothers and sisters in faith. My deepest love and respects to you and your beloved ones on the advent of Ramadan. Like the other 1.5 billion Muslims on this earth, I am sure we cannot wait to start fasting daily and enjoying the blessings of prayer and the Quran in this month. Many positive feelings overtake us this month: excitement, happiness, anticipation of blessings and reward, joy upon meeting family and friends regularly and the delight of amazing delicacies on the iftar table!

However for many of us, it is the negative emotions that predominate at the start of this month: fear of yet another unsuccessful Ramadan, apprehension and guilt. We start this month of Ramadan feeling guilty for being away from Allah for so long; for not having read the Quran this year until now; of not having prayed any tahajjud prayer until now; of not having fasting throughout the year - except for now. This guilty feeling leads to a lot of negativity in our approach to this month and perhaps to the lack of optimism in retrying those special attempts we had made before to read the whole Quran or to pray taraweeh and tahajjud every night or some other good deed in Ramadan. In fact for so many of us, guilt takes us away from Allah and makes us feel inferior and sometimes cripples us to lesser levels of aspiration and success. "What can this poor slave of Allah achieve anyway, when he is so engrossed in sins having done so many evil deeds?" For many - the thought of what we have done in the past - cripples us to what we can do in the future.

However, I would like to ask you all to approach this Ramadan guilt free! Free of guilt of the past. Why worry about something you can't change? It is not the past that should worry us or bother us, rather what could happen in the future. The past is the past - we can't change the sins we have done in the past - so to constantly focus on that for the vast majority of us - is far more crippling for the future than anything else. The prophetic guidance is to regret the past sins and missed opportunities, whilst fearing the future possible sins and being weary of missing future opportunities.

It is as Ibnul-Qayyium said in AnNooniyyah: "By Allah, I don't fear my past sins, since I have sincerely repented to Allah and Allah loves to forgive.However, what I truly fear is that in the future this heart of mine will cease to rule by this Quran and this revelation."

Remember that Allah is AlWadud - the loving God - He is the one who loves you more than your own parents! Have you not heard how Sufyan atThawri said: "I would rather that Allah judges me on the Day of Judgement rather than my own parents, for indeed I know that Allah loves me more than my own parents!" [Reported in Hilyatul-Awliyaa] So overpowering is Allah's mercy that it has transcended His anger. So wide is His Mercy that the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said: "If the disbeliever knew of the extent of the Mercy of Allah, then none would have despaired of entering His Paradise!" [Reported by Muslim] And plus, what past sins, when your sincere repentance with Allah's Mercy would have wiped it away and replaced it with equivalent good deeds: "Except those who repent, believe and do righteous deeds - they are the ones who Allah will turn their bad deeds into good deeds. And indeed Allah is most Forgiving most Merciful." [AlFurqan 25:70]

My friends, how do you dare to think that Allah does not love you when He says so clearly in the Quran: "Allah has not forgotten you, nor does he hate you!" [AdDuha 93:3] If He hated you, why did He keep you alive till another Ramadan? If He hated you, why does he provide for you even when you disobey Him? If He did not love you, why is He allowing you to taste the sweetness of loving Him this month by fasting and praying? If He didn't love you, why did He keep you upon Islam?

So come back to AlWadud - your loving Lord - the one who loves you more than anything else. He is waiting for you and is more happy with you remembering Him than you can imagine. If you come to Him today, He will rush to you. If you remember Him, He will remember you. If you talk about Him, He will talk about you to those with Him. If you say sorry O Allah, He will forgive you and turn them into good.

So start your Ramadan guilt free and enjoy a month of renewed emaan and focus on the good that you can do this month. Learn from the past, but focus on the future! It is truly as the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam said: "Verily actions are judged by their endings."

With all my love and prayer for your success in this month

PS Please forward to your friends and family

Your brother,

Dr. Tawfique Chowdhury
Director General
Mercy Mission World
http://www.mercymissionworld.org

the moment

2010-06-18T20:49:00.004+08:00

Sometimes we see in d movies (and even in real life) a scene of a mother who has just given birth to her son/daughter taking the first look at him/her with teary eyes, feeling so very emotional..the crying baby, upon listening to the mother's soothing voice and the ever familiar sound of her beating heart, calms down and starts searching for the mother..

Ideal? yes..

But that did not happen to me..

Do I feel bad that my moment was not a typical drama kind of moment?

Well, I guess not..

You see, it took me 24 hours to realise that the newborn that I was holding actually came out of my tummy..initially it felt like just like 'eh? magic la..' that the boy suddenly appeared in front of us..and for this kind of remark, Qayyum would usually reply, "sewel la kamu ni.."

Somehow, i could not connect the neonate to my pregnancy..my tummy was big and SUDDENLY it wasn't..there wasn't a baby and SUDDENLY there was..it's as though the two events did not fall on the same continuum..

It was 2nd day postpartum and the three of us were in the room, doing nothing and trying to figure things out..it was still very much the adjusting phase..the baby was in his cot (that small plastic trolley that they have in hospitals) and suddenly started whimpering, protruding out his tiny tongue, all the while wearing an innocent look..i thought, "uh oh, now he wants his feed." So qayyum took him, put him on my lap, and I got ready to feed him..but then the 'I-want-feed signals' disappeared..so we put him back on his cot..not long after that, the signals appeared again! I got puzzled..

"Kenapa baby ni macam ni? Nampak macam nak makan, tapi tak nak. Dia nak apa sebenarnya?" Said I, in desperation.

"Dia saja nak dekat dengan mak dia la tu. Ye la, sembilan bulan dia duduk dalam perut kamu, mesti la dia tak biasa lagi. Dia nak rasa mak dia la tu." said Qayyum.

*Dush!*

Qayyum's statement was like a direct blow to my head, setting my mind straight. And it suddenly dawned on me that yes, this IS the tiny thing that has been kicking and rolling and squirming within me..this is the baby whom I have carried for nine months, whose arrival into this world was the biggest agenda in our lives...it's him..it's him..

*rasa bersalah+terharu lalu menangis tatkala menatap wajah si kecil yang suci sambil tangan memeluk erat tubuh halus itu*

...and that was my moment..

Today he is 38 days old. Already the birthing experience seemed ancient althought it's not actually that long ago. Oh, well. I was not being as sentimental as I should. Saving it for the next child perhaps? Huhu..not until two years from now..

ikhlas

2010-04-29T18:08:00.003+08:00

an email i received from my mother, something interesting i would like to share ;)

ORANG IKHLAS ITU TERTINDAS?

Jika kita memberi kebaikan kepada seseorang, kebaikan itu akan dibalas walaupun yang membalasnya bukan orang yang kita berikan kebaikan itu. Hakikat ini mengingatkan saya kepada satu perbualan yang berlaku sewaktu saya mengendalikan program latihan beberapa tahun lalu di sebuah organisasi.

“Saya tidak mempunyai apa-apa harapan lagi pada organisasi ini,” kata seorang kakak berterus-terang.

“Mengapa?” balas saya.

“Organisasi ini dipenuhi oleh kaki bodek dan kaki ampu. Saya terseksa bekerja secara ikhlas di sini. Tidak pernah dihargai, tidak ada ganjaran yang wajar. Saya bukannya orang yang bermuka-muka. Tak pandai saya nak ampu-ampu orang atas, Fokus saya kepada kerja sahaja.”

Kakak itu sebenarnya adalah peserta program yang paling senior. Telah berpuluh tahun bekerja dalam organisasi tersebut. Itu adalah kali terakhir dia mengikuti program latihan. Enam bulan lagi dia akan bersara. Kesempatan yang diberikan kepadanya dalam sesi memperkenalkan diri itu telah digunakannya sepenuhnya untuk meluahkan rasa kecewa dan marahnya sepanjang berkhidmat di situ. Sungguh, dia kecewa sekali. Siapa tidak marah, jika bekerja secara ikhlas dan gigih tetapi tidak pernah dinaikkan pangkat atau mendapat kenaikan gaji?

Sewaktu rehat, sambil minum-minum dan berbual santai saya bertanya kepadanya, “kakak punya berapa orang anak?”

Sengaja saya bertanya soal-soal “di luar kotak” agar ketegangan dalam sesi sebelumnya dapat diredakan.

“Oh ramai encik…”

“Bagaimana dengan anak-anak kakak?”

Wah, saya lihat dia begitu ceria apabila mula menceritakan tentang anak-anaknya. Boleh dikatakan semua anak-anaknya berjaya dalam profesion masing-masing. Ada yang menjadi doktor, jurutera, pensyarah dan sebagainya. Malah seorang anaknya telah menjadi hafiz.

“Kakak, boleh saya bertanya?”

“Tanyalah encik…” ujar kakak itu sambil tersenyum. Mendung di wajahnya sudah berlalu. Dia begitu teruja bila bercerita tentang anak-anaknya. Memang, semua anak-anaknya menjadi.

“Jika kakak diberi pilihan, antara anak-anak yang “menjadi” dengan naik gaji, mana yang kakak pilih?”

Belum sempat dia menjawab, saya bertanya lagi, “antara kakak naik pangkat dengan anak-anak berjaya dalam karier mereka, mana yang kakak pilih?”

Dengan cepat kakak itu menjawab, “hati ibu encik… tentulah saya pilih anak-anak saya menjadi walaupun tidak naik gaji atau dapat pangkat. Anak-anak adalah harta kita yang paling berharga!”

Saya tersenyum. Hati ibu, begitulah semestinya.

“Kakak, sebenarnya keikhlasan dan kegigihan kakak bekerja dalam organisasi ini telah mendapat ganjaran…” kata saya perlahan. Hampir berbisik.

“Maksud encik?”

“Allah telah membalas dengan ganjaran yang lebih baik dan lebih kakak lebih sukai. Bila kakak ikhlas bekerja dalam organisasi ini, Allah berikan kepada kakak anak-anak yang menjadi.”

“Tidak pernah saya terfikir begitu encik…”

“Allah Maha Berkuasa. Ada kalanya takdir dan perbuatan-Nya terlalu misteri dan rahsia untuk dijangkau oleh pemikiran kita. Tetapi yakinlah what you give, you get back. Itu hukum sunatullah dalam hubungan sesama manusia. Kebaikan yang kita buat akan kembali kepada kita. Yakinlah.”

“Walaupun bukan daripada seseorang atau sesuatu pihak yang kita berikan kebaikan itu?”

“Maksud kakak?”

“Macam ni, saya buat kebaikan kepada organisasi tempat saya bekerja, tapi Allah berikan kebaikan kepada keluarga. Pembalasan Allah bukan di tempat saya bekerja, sebaliknya diberikan dalam keluarga saya. Begitukah encik?”

“Itulah yang saya katakan tadi, takdir Allah kekadang terlalu misteri. Tetapi ketetapannya mutlak dan muktamad, siapa yang memberi kebaikan akan dibalas dengan kebaikan. Dalam istilah biasa itu dipanggil golden rule!”

Kakak itu termenung. Mungkin memikirkan pertalian dan kaitan antara apa yang berlaku dalam organisasi dengan familinya.

“Metafora atau analoginya begini. Katalah kita sedang memandu di satu jalan yang mempunyai dua atau tiga lorong. Penuh sesak. Tiba-tiba sebuah kereta yang tersalah lorong di sebelah memberi isyarat untuk masuk ke lorong kita. Kerana simpati melihat dia terkial-kial memberi isyarat, kita pun beralah, lalu memberi laluan untuk kereta itu masuk di hadapan kita…”

Saya berhenti seketika mengambil nafas sambil mencari reaksi. Saya lihat kakak itu mendengar penuh minat. Dia meneliti metafora yang saya sampaikan dengan begitu teliti.

“Kemudian kita terus memandu ke hadapan. Mungkin sejam kemudian atau setelah berpuluh-puluh kilometer, tiba-tiba kita pula yang tersalah lorong. Kita pula yang memberi lampu isyarat untuk masuk ke lorong sebelah. Soalnya logikkah kalau kita mengharapkan kereta yang kita bantu sebelumnya memberi laluan untuk kita?”

Kakak itu tersenyum dan berkata, “tak logik encik. Kereta yang kita bantu tadi entah ke mana perginya.”

“Tapi ada tak kereta lain yang simpati dan memberi laluan untuk kita?’

“Pasti ada! Insya-Allah.”

“Ya, begitulah. Padahal kereta itu tidak pernah sekali pun kita tolong. Tetapi Allahlah yang menggerakkan hati pemandunya untuk memberi laluan kepada kita. Orang yang kita beri kebaikan, tidak ada di situ untuk membalas kebaikan kita… Tetapi Allah menggerakkan hati orang lain, yang tidak pernah merasa kebaikan kita untuk membalas kebaikan kita tadi.”

“Subhanallah!”

“Begitu dalam litar di jalan raya dan begitu jualah litar dalam kehidupan manusia. Kita buat baik kepada A, tetapi kerap kali bukan A yang membalas kebaikan kita tetapi B atau C atau D atau lain-lainnya yang membalasnya. Inilah hakikat yang berlaku dalam kehidupan ini.”

“Kita tidak boleh kecewa bila keikhlasan kita dipersiakan?” tanya kakak itu lagi. Lebih kepada satu respons minta diiyakan.

“Kakak, ikhlas sebenar tidak pinta dibalas. Tetapi Allah Maha Kaya dan Maha Pengasih, siapa yang ikhlas akan diberi ganjaran walaupun mereka tidak memintanya kerana setiap kebaikan itu akan dikembalikan kepada orang yang melakukannya. Ia umpama bola yang dibaling ke dinding, akan melantun semula kepada pembalingnya!”

“Selalunya saya dengar, orang ikhlas akan dibalas di akhirat.”

“Itulah balasan yang lebih baik dan kekal. Tetapi saya katakan tadi, Allah Maha kaya, Allah mahu dan mampu membalas keikhlasan hamba-Nya di dunia lagi.”

“Maksud encik?”

“Orang yang ikhlas akan diberi ketenangan dan kebahagiaan dalam hidup. Anak-anak yang soleh dan solehah. Isteri yang taat atau suami yang setia. Dan paling penting… hati yang sejahtera. Inilah kekayaan dan kelebihan yang lebih utama daripada pangkat, gaji dan jawatan.”

“Jadi orang ikhlas akan terus ditindas, tidak dapat kenaikan pangkat atau gaji? Bukan apa, saya terfikir kenapa nasib kaki ampu dan kaki bodek lebih baik dalam organisasi. Mereka dapat naik pangkat!”

Giliran saya pula tersenyum.

“Tidak ada kebaikan yang akan kita dapat melalui jalan yang salah. Percayalah, kalau benar mereka kaki ampu dan bodek sahaja… pangkat yang mereka dapat akan menyebabkan mereka melarat. Gaji naik, tetapi ketenangan hati menurun. Ingat apa yang saya kata tadi, what you give you get back… Golden rule itu bukan untuk kebaikan sahaja, tetapi untuk kejahatan juga. Kalau kita berikan kejahatan, kejahatan itu akan kembali semula kepada kita. Kaki ampu, mungkin akan dapat anak yang pandai bermuka-muka. Kaki bodek mungkin dibalas dengan isteri yang berpura-pura!” terang saya panjang lebar.

“Jadi apa yang harus saya lakukan dengan baki masa perkhidmatan yang tinggal tidak beberapa bulan lagi ni?”

“Bekerjalah dengan gigih. Walaupun mungkin bos tidak melihatnya, tetapi Allah Maha Melihat. Bekerja itu satu ibadah. Insya-Allah, satu hari nanti manusia juga akan diperlihatkan oleh Allah tentang keikhlasan manusia yang lain. Jangan berhenti memberi kebaikan hanya kerana tidak dapat penghargaan…”

“Maksud encik?”

“Jangan mengharap terima kasih daripada manusia atas kebaikan yang kita buat kepadanya.”

“Kenapa?”

“Kita akan sakit jiwa!”

“Kenapa?”

“Kerana umumnya manusia tidak pandai berterima kasih. Lihatlah, kalau kepada Allah yang Maha Memberi pun manusia tidak pandai bersyukur dan berterima kasih, apalagi kepada manusia yang pemberiannya terbatas dan berkala. Sedikit sekali daripada manusia yang bersyukur,” balas saya mengulangi apa yang maktub dalam Al Quran.

“Tetapi Allah tidak berhenti memberi… “ kata kakak itu perlahan.

“Walaupun manusia tidak berterima kasih kepada-Nya. Sekalipun kepada yang derhaka dan kafir, tetapi Allah terus memberi… Justeru siapa kita yang tergamak berhenti memberi hanya kerana tidak mendapat penghargaan dan ucapan terima kasih?”

“Ah, kita terlalu ego…”

Dan itulah kesimpulan perbualan yang saya kira sangat bermakna dan besar impaknya dalam hidup saya. Saya terasa “diperingatkan” semasa memberi peringatan kerana pada hakikatnya saya juga tidak terlepas daripada lintasan hati oleh satu pertanyaan… orang ikhlas tertindas?

my two cents..

2010-03-26T23:44:00.003+08:00

Just finished anaesthesiology posting this noon and went to East Coast Mall for a walk. Was thinking of treating myself with a scoop of Pralines 'n Cream but changed my mind and bought Chocolate Cookie Latte at Big Apple instead. I think the latte was loaded with too much caffeine so I only finished half of the total volume (wouldn't want my kid to get jumpy in there..huhu..)

Well, that's not the most interesting part of my window-shopping spree tho. It's something that I overheard in Brands Outlet store that intrigued me.

I was scanning through the colourful, multi-styled clothes that were hung neat in the store with mannequins lining up along the aisle doing what they do best - looking fashionable and chic. The colours fascinated me but alas, my physique is not made by God to fit into the skimpy clothes that the manufacturers have to offer.

And then I arrived at the children section. The choice of dresses and clothes that they have for children, I would say, is much much more than what I used to see when I was small as far as my memory serves me right. The myriads of colours and patterns and styles..gosh it makes one feel tempted to fill up the shopping basket with every single clothes in line. This would be the most perfect time for the devils to work their art of persuasion - whispering into the hearts of beings with an XX chromosome to fulfill their lust towards beautiful and cute things.

As I was strolling down the aisle, all the while amazed at the collection that this store has, I could not help but overhear a lady saying to two other friends who were looking for girl clothes to purchase. She said, "Kalau baju girl kena beli yg seksi-seksi sikit, baru la cute."

Immediately, I felt this sense of uneasiness. Is that perception a safe one?

The designs of girl clothings have evolved so much from the past that they now appear to be miniatures of adult-style clothings. This includes really sexy and skimpy clothing (altho they don't have the bumps and curves to show off as yet).

Children are innocent beings and no matter how they dress, they would still be innocent. However, what I am concerned of is how differently people with twisted minds perceive these children nowadays. There are numerous stories in the newspaper of children being sexually harassed and abused in every way possible (and sometimes unfathomable) by adults whose idea of sexual gratification is immensely distorted.

While dressing a child in a revealing clothing is not impermissible in Islam, it carries the risk of attracting unnecessary danger to the child in the current world that we live in.

With child pornography business flourishing, children are portrayed as sexual beings, one capable of becoming the source of excitement and satisfaction. A child is never viewed the same way again by those who are exposed to this kind of pornography. One would have already been conditioned into feeling sexually attracted to children.

In addition, sexy clothing that is associated with sexy adults (who inevitably instigate a certain degree of arousal in those with an XY chromosome) is also now related to children.

These two factors combined, a greater negative effect may be produced when a child dons such kind of clothing.

One might argue that even a child who dresses decently has fallen prey to this cruelty. Then why all the fuss on clothing? A child might as well be running naked and remained untouched but another counterpart be wrapped head-to-toe and become a victim.

Well, in every happening in our life, various parties are involved. The part that we're most in control of is our portion of responsibility. It is up to us to do what it takes to reduce the risk or probability of an event occurring. When we have done all that we could, we pray and leave everything to Allah. Anything that happens afterwards is simply takdir. But nobody would blame us for trying, would they?

Therefore, I am in the opinion that children should not be dressed in too revealing a clothing. Trust me, they won't lose anything. The value of fashion is instilled by the parents while a child is growing up. A strongly embedded value is what remains and becomes the guideline for the child when he/she becomes an adult.

It's our choice to make.

2010-03-17T17:20:00.003+08:00

limited diaphragm expansion therefore inability to sleep with only one pillow..

increased lumbar curvature therefore the discomfort while listening to interminable lectures, sitting on the non-ergonomic chairs..

compressed urinary bladder therefore the constant sensation of micturition although the urine volume is still far below normal threshold..and oh not to mention the funny sensation that I get when this little kiddo in me kicks right on my urinary bladder..

steadily growing belly with occasional keterlupaan yang perut ni dah besar therefore terlanggar orang/kerusi/meja/tombol pintu/dinding..

oh nikmat ibu mengandung..

bak kata sorang patient ophthal haritu, penyakit ni anugerah Allah..sebab apa? sebab bila sakit, kena usaha untuk cari penawar..n sbb kita usaha tu, dpt la pahala..pahala kan anugerah..

pakcik..tima kasih..

bak kata qayyum "jangan merungut..dulu kata pregnancy ni senang, tak rasa sakit mcm orang..ni Allah dah bagi ujian, tak boleh la merungut (implying that i was the one who had wanted to be tested by Allah in this pregnancy)"

for which I replied, "orang tak merungut la..meluahkan perasaan je..kan berbeza tu.."

(after two years of being married to a law student, I have apparently developed this skill of using the right term when arguing or making a statement. Kalau tidak habis semua statement kita kena putar belit..haish..)

Oh Allah..thank you for the tests that You are putting me through..when the pregnancy had been too easy to bear, I felt as though You have forgotten me..now I know You are giving me the chance to gain your acknowledgment by being patient and persistent in facing the challenges You have put forth..may I persevere, inshaAllah..

Saturday in Kuantan - a morning of contemplation

2010-02-20T11:51:00.008+08:00

It's a weekend and I'm in Kuantan!

Looks like i've broken the chain of commuting back and forth KTN-KUL almost every weekend without fail for the past 1 year. Oh, well. Dr. Jamal said that an alim said that the best Muslim is one who sacrifices for others. So, in the spirit of takaful, i decided to stay in Kuantan to allow some time and space for Qayyum to finish his assignments -_-"

I spent the entire morning browsing through the internet and have just finished watching an edited clip of In The Womb taken from a National Geographic documentary, which was posted on a friend's FB wall. I've seen the clip before and it really touched my soul. But watching it again with a bigger tummy and a tiny being wriggling underneath it created a more intense feeling - a feeling of awe at the creation of Allah and how miraculous His creation is. Subhanallah! It's utterly amazing how we were once a drop of sperm+ovum who have grown up to become the beautiful people we are today, mashaAllah. It's hard to describe what I really felt and words can't do justice in instilling that same feeling in those who are reading this. I would suggest you watch the video. Just type the keywords and search it in any search engine you so wish.

The video camera that they planted in the uterus is simply fantastic. You can appreciate the facial expression that the fetus does and how cute he looks while sucking his thumb. He yawns and stretches and sleeps in a serenity only those living the uterine world are blessed to experience - a world full of secrets and mysteries, safely kept in Allah's vault of miracles. He jumps and kicks and twists around. He practices how to breathe and drinks the amniotic fluid, only to experience a glimpse of what awaits him in the external world.

Watching the video, I had this sense of heaviness in my chest, not out of sadness or frustration. It was simply a feeling of --- terharu (i can't find an english word that fits the description of terharu huhu). I could almost imagine what the 'dude' (as jau calls him) is doing in my tummy. It's just so overwhelming to know that you have in you this little thing clinging onto you for love and nourishment. I almost cried (oh, well i did cry) as I felt the love flowing from my heart to the innocent little being - my son. Yup, my son. The life that Allah has entrusted upon me - a life to be nourished with His knowledge and attributes, to prepare him to become a Khalifah who carries out Allah's administrative job in this world.

Looking back 4 months ago when I first learned that Allah has put in me another life, i was afraid more than i was overjoyed - afraid of the responsibility that I now have to carry. The fear rooted from uncertainties, whether or not I will be able to cope with the new situation. Will I be able to guide this child to follow the Path that Allah has set forth for those who believe? Will he end up closer to Allah or will he be dragged away, drifting in the stream of corruption of the temporary world? Will I be persistent and patient in facing Allah's tests on my family?

All these questions kept swarming my mind that I could not entirely enjoy the bliss and happiness of motherhood, which explains why I occasionally felt annoyed when people addressed being pregnant and having babies as something 'oh-so-cute-and-adorable'. I would have this reflex answer in my head saying, "You see cute but I see responsibility. You see adorable but I see heaven and hellfire."

Huhu. Don't i sound like a miserable mother?

Now, now. Try reading that dialogue with a calm and smiling face, not in a grumpy and complaining tone.

While it's not wrong to see it from the 'cute perspective', it is also incomplete. Cute and adorable are adjectives that describe the physique and materials associated with pregnancies and babies, hence a materialistic description. We can see cute kids everywhere but the way some parents treat (or mistreat) them is just unacceptable. To see how these children are spiritually and intellectually deprived is fairly frustrating. This will create a generation that is highly developed aestethically but empty inside.

Whereas we should be placing the emphasis on the development of the soul - how beautiful our child will be in the eyes of Allah. Seeing things beyond face value, you will see that all the fancy stuff that accompanies pregnancies and babies are just added benefits - a small reward that Allah gives to us, an apple of our eyes. The true reward lies in the calmness and serenity that Allah places in our hearts knowing that we have put forth our utmost effort in doing what needs be.

Having this perspective in mind, inshaAllah our efforts will be more focused on bringing up the child the right way, a way that nurtures the soul as much as it nurtures the body. It prevents us from overly 'decorating' the child. Yes, some people do decorate their children. When parents buy fancy shirts and dresses for their children, it really is for the fulfilment of their desire and not the child's.

When I went window-shopping online for baby stuff, it was me who went 'Aww that's cute!' and 'I like that pattern' and 'That's so adorable!' You think the baby in me even cared? Of course not!

Now when i'm thinking of buying stuff, I would have to contemplate for a loooong time. Am i buying it just because it looks cute, or do i really need it? Am i buying a more expensive item just because of its brand or do i sincerely believe that it provides more comfort or safety? And more importantly, is it for me or is it for Allah?

Is it for me, or is it for Allah...

what say you?

2009-12-08T16:29:00.002+08:00

Dont know why but felt like pasting this news article here. Been emotional about what I've read. Read about it and do share what you feel about this.

Historic EPA finding: Greenhouse gases harm humans

By H. JOSEF HEBERT and DINA CAPPIELLO, Associated Press Writers H. Josef Hebert And Dina Cappiello, Associated Press Writers – Mon Dec 7, 11:29 pm ET

WASHINGTON – The Obama administration took a major step Monday toward imposing the first federal limits on climate-changing pollution from cars, power plants and factories, declaring there was compelling scientific evidence that global warming from manmade greenhouse gases endangers Americans' health.

The announcement by the Environmental Protection Agency was clearly timed to build momentum toward an agreement at the international conference on climate change that opened Monday in Copenhagen, Denmark. It signaled the administration was prepared to push ahead for significant controls in the U.S. if Congress doesn't act first on its own.

The price could be steep for both industry and consumers. The EPA finding clears the way for rules that eventually could force the sale of more fuel-efficient vehicles and require plants to install costly new equipment — at a cost of billions or even many tens of billions of dollars — or shift to other forms of energy.

No analysis has been conducted by the EPA on costs of such broad regulations, although the agency put the price tag of its proposed climate-related car rules at $60 billion, with an estimated benefit of $250 billion.

Energy prices for many Americans probably would rise, too — though Monday's finding will have no immediate impact since regulations have yet to be written. Supporters of separate legislation in Congress argue they could craft measures that would mitigate some of those costs.

Environmentalists hailed the EPA announcement as a clear indication the United States will take steps to attack climate change even if Congress fails to act. And they welcomed the timing of the declaration, saying it will help the Obama administration convince delegates at the international climate talks that the U.S. is serious about addressing the problem. Obama will address the conference next week.

But business groups said regulating carbon emissions through the EPA under existing clean air law would put new economic burdens on manufacturers, cost jobs and drive up energy prices.
"It will choke off growth by adding new mandates to virtually every major construction and renovation project," declared Thomas Donohue, president of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, which in recent months has been particularly critical of the EPA's attempt to address climate change.

The EPA signaled last April that it was inclined to view heat-trapping pollution as a threat to public health and welfare and began to take public comments for formal rulemaking. That marked a reversal from the Bush administration, which had refused to issue the finding, despite a conclusion by EPA scientists that it was warranted.

EPA Administrator Lisa Jackson said Monday, "There are no more excuses for delaying," adding that the so-called endangerment analysis from global warming had been under consideration at the agency for three years. After the official finding, she said the agency is now "obligated to make reasonable efforts to reduce greenhouse pollutants under the Clean Air Act."

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said President Barack Obama "still believes the best way to move forward is through the legislative process" — something Obama has expressed on a number of occasions as he has pressed Congress to shift the nation's energy priorities away from fossil fuels and to reduce climate-changing pollution.

The EPA said scientific evidence clearly shows that greenhouse gases "threaten the public health and welfare of the American people" and that the pollutants — mainly carbon dioxide from burning fossil fuels — should be reduced, if not by Congress then by the agency responsible for enforcing air pollution.

"These long-overdue findings cement 2009's place in history as the year when the United States government began addressing the challenge of greenhouse-gas pollution," said Jackson.

She rejected claims by climate skeptics that the science of global warming remains in doubt, an argument given additional attention in recent weeks with the disclosure through intercepted e-mails that a British scientist had privately discussed ways to shield certain climate data from public scrutiny.

"The vast body of evidence not only remains unassailable, it has grown even stronger," said Jackson.

Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., a lead author of a climate bill before the Senate, said of the finding: "This is a clear message to Copenhagen of the Obama administration's commitments to address global climate change. ... The message to Congress is crystal clear: Get moving."

Sen. Barbara Boxer, D-Calif., also a co-author, said, "The Senate has a duty to act."

Business groups have strongly argued against tackling global warming through the Clean Air Act, saying it is less flexible and more costly than the cap-and-trade legislation being considered by Congress. Any regulations from the EPA are certain to spawn lawsuits and a lengthy legal fights.
"Such regulations would be intrusive, inefficient and excessively costly, chill job growth and delay business expansion," argued Jack Gerard, president of the American Petroleum Institute, which also has been critical of the climate legislation before Congress.

"The Clean Air Act can complement legislation," said Jackson. In fact, if Congress were to cap greenhouse gas emissions, the EPA probably would be given the responsibility of implementing the law.

The EPA's involvement in reducing climate-changing pollution, stems from a 2007 Supreme Court decision that declared that carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases are pollutants under the Clean Air Act. But the court said the EPA would have to determine if these pollutants pose a danger to public health and welfare before it could regulate them.

how i became two..

2009-11-12T21:36:00.006+08:00

The news that i am pregnant hit the public 3 weeks ago. The reaction and response from my friends was amazing - ada yang melompat kegembiraan, ada yang mengalirkan air mata sebab terharu sangat..huhu..and they say, "Finally our batch dah ada baby!" thanks to our seniors' batch with their 3 babies and more to come.

The scene of a pregnant female student walking about in the campus is not an uncommon sight here in IIUM, be it in Gombak or Kuantan. Many of the pregnancies were perhaps unplanned but there are also many who really planned to expand their family.

Some of you (or perhaps most) may be wondering which category i fall into. Rest assured that this has been well planned and with the Blessings and Mercy from Allah, He executes this plan.

I remember telling a close friend of mine (i.e. Fiey) about my new status. She was a bit quiet afterwards and did not appear to be as excited as i expected her to be. Only after i mentioned that it is well planned did her face shine and a she released a huge sigh of relief. She didn't know whether to congratulate or sympathise with me as she thought it was a result of contraceptive failure! huhuu..my fault for not informing her that i have stopped taking the pills many months back.

My parents, especially my dad, were not so keen on the idea of bearing a child while studying. In fact this was the main issue that my father brought up before he allowed me to get married. He said that accidents happen. I said accidents can be prevented. After I got married, he constantly reminded me not to give him a cucu as his birthday present. And I obediently kept my promise.

In contrast, Qayyum's parents were a bit open about this issue in the sense that they wouldn't mind if we decided to have a child early or wait a little bit longer. Though, the father likes little children so much and he tends to spoil them, which is something I quite worry.

Well perhaps my parents were worried that being pregnant will make things hard for me. Having to cope with the new condition and the demands of my studies, they feared that I might break and fall apart somewhere along the journey. Mak ayah mana la yang tak sayang anak kan. My dad, especially, was really worried that I would stop studying half way. That was why they objected to the idea of being pregnant before I graduate.

Long story made short, one night when I was in Temerloh doing my Paediatrics posting, my mother sent me an sms. She said that she is considering the prospect of becoming a grandmother and that she is able to help take care of the child if need be. This came as a surprise to me. We weren't even specifically discussing about that. It came out of the blue, unexpectedly. Something must have triggered her to think towards that way, I'm sure. I just don't know what it was.

And so further planning began..

Firstly, and most importantly, we tried to look for a target date that is the most suitable time for delivery. Being a student, good timing is essential. I wouldn't want to disturb my studies. From there, I calculated backwards (utilising Naegele rule here..hehe..) to get the rough estimation of when conception should occur. From there, I estimated the time needed for ovulatory cycle to return so that I can estimate when to stop taking the pill.

You see, I use a lot of the word 'estimate'. It's because we can only do so much. Only The Creator knows exactly when and how things will be.

And so began the endeavours towards achieving conception..

I didn't tell too many people about the fact that I was trying to conceive as I did not want to attract unnecessary stress from people asking questions like, "Dah berisi ke?" for which I will end up answering "Oh, saya mmg dari dulu berisi. Tak kurus-kurus." Sometimes I politely smile and try to ignore the question, pretending that I didn't hear it.

During the early phase of trying, I made some literature review (ehemm..rajin kan..) on how to assess fertility status. I took good care of the food that I ate and tried to lose some weight albeit unsuccessfully. I did urine pregnancy test (UPT) almost every week and of course they all came back negative. After about two months, I started to worry that perhaps I was subfertile. I've been oligomenorrhoeic all my life, and coincidentally (or not..) I was given the topic of 'Subfertility' for my seminar!

I realised that this trying has been stressful to me and stress is surely not fertility's best friend. I then stopped doing UPT and tried not to think so much about conceiving. If Allah wants to give, then He will.

One night on the third week of Shawal, I was talking on the phone with Qayyum and inevitably the topic of pregnancy entered the conversation. He asked me to read Surah Maryam and take the lessons from there. And so I did. It's very calming to know that in the most impossible circumstances imaginable to humans, Allah can easily grant a woman an offspring, as in the case of Nabi Zakariyya. They're already old and her wife is barren but with Allah's will, she gave birth to Yahya, the most obedient son one can ever have.

The following evening, I had this strong urge in me to go and purchase a UPT kit. I was so driven by this urge that I somewhat spontaneously drove my Kembara to the nearest pharmacy and bought two kits. I tried doing one that night, and two lines appeared. I got confused. Two lines? Eh, selalunya satu line je keluar. Waaaait a minute. Am I... pregnant? Whoa this is so unexpected. I tried once more the following morning and the same result was obtained.

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. Allah answered our prayer. And Qayyum, my dearest husband, became the happiest man in the world. Now there's a tiny little being attached very closely within me, relying on me for its survival.

Planning to have a baby is important. By planning I mean intentionally wanting to have a baby. For many young couples, they are not ready as yet to embark on a different kind of journey but end up having to face pregnancy and child-rearing at times when they are most unprepared.

Childbearing is a gift. But remember that it is also a responsibility. To shoulder a responsibility, one must be prepared. As Dr. Fauzi, a Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist said, children are not instant noodles that you boil for 3 minutes and then it's cooked. Children are people, children are humans. They need time to grow and develop.

Without adequate preparation and knowledge, it's really difficult to raise good and strong children especially in our modern world. Children become the adults they are mostly because of how they were taught, educated, and moulded when they were small.

Bearing a child while studying is even a bigger responsibility. The responsibility lies in the need to keep the reputation of the 'moms club' clean - to set a good example to other people and to demonstrate that being pregnant is not an excuse to become lazy or a reason to get away with things.

I pray hard that I remain steadfast on this path..

care to spend?

2009-11-03T23:34:00.004+08:00

Today I attended a tafsir class by Dr. Walid who is an Egyptian engineer working in Malaysia and is well versed in tafsir Quran.

The discussion was on Surah Al-Hadid verses 1 to 13. I hope to share the things that I have learned, as a reinforcement of my memory and a gentle reminder to those who are caring enough to read this mediocre blog of mine. Your visit makes me smile every time :)

Whatever you will be reading thenceforth is just a simple way of my explaining what I understand and nothing is more meaningful than reading it from The Book itself.

Essentially, the early part of the surah outlines Allah's attributes, power, and control over His creations and how it is He who determines what we get for what we do. And then it goes on to lay down what is expected of us human beings.

The analogy is like that of a boss to his employee. Imagine you're a newly recruited member of the company and you're on your first day of work. The boss then calls all the new employee to a meeting room. He says:

"From today onwards, you will be working with this company. I am your boss and your fate in this company lies in my hand. I know everything that goes around the office, and I can assure you that every single thing you do will be rewarded or punished accordingly. Don't worry, I am as just as you can expect me to be. If you work hard, you will earn your credit. If you fail to meet my requirements, you may be expelled."

And so you nod your head in obedience and start to think to yourself:

"Ok, so what is expected of me? What are the things that will add to my merits and what will make me lose this job?"

This is where the subsequent part of the surah comes in. Allah tells us what we can do to earn His approval and reward and warns us on practices from which we ought to keep away. This part of the surah particularly addresses on spending our fortune for the sake of Allah.

Believe in Allah and His apostle, and spend (in charity) out of the (substance) whereof He has made you heirs. For, those of you who believe and spend (in charity),- for them is a great Reward (Al-Hadid, verse 7)

Notice that Allah states that we are made the heirs of the fortunes that we receive from Allah, no matter how large or small the fortune is. In other words, whatever we gain is an Amanah from Allah and we ought to spend it accordingly. Whatever we receive comes from Allah and will eventually go back to Allah.

Wait a minute..

So, does this mean that we cannot use our money to purchase personal items and spend on things that are apparently self-fulfilling such as, say, going for a holiday?

Now, take a step back and try to have a look at the bigger picture..

The money that we earn from our halal endeavours can be divided into portions...

Portion A - for zakat. This is an obligation. It is compulsory and the precentage is fixed. Technically, this portion of your money is not even yours. It cannot be yours. You just have to give it away.

Portion B - for personal use, for us to survive as a human being, and as a reward for all the hard work that we have put in.

Portion C - the one that we give away for the sake of Allah. It is really up to us how much to give and to whom. We know best how much we can afford to give away and Allah knows, too. Examples are funding a welfare organisation, donating to survivors of a disaster, etc.

Then again looking at a wider perspective, even as we spend the money on ourselves, when we do it consciously for the sake of Allah we get rewarded for that too. It's the things that we do every day. Sometimes we just forget to include Allah in the things we do.

Example:

We eat to live. It's basic human needs. It's what we do most of the time. But when you purchase your food with this conscious thought in your head that says 'oh i need to eat lunch so that i have the energy to perform Jumaat prayer later on', you get rewarded for that because you're doing it for the sake of Allah and not because the sambal ikan keli looks so tempting that you start salivating. Or when a pregnant mother consciously opts for healthier food for the reason that she has now the responsibility of ensuring the health of the unborn child, she gets rewarded for that. Although, of course if she happens to suddenly crave for something, she will not get penalised for eating it just because she feels like it. At least not unless it's excessive and harmful. Allah is Kind and Merciful.

Hold on a sec. So does this mean for every single thing I do I have to first verbalise the intention and then proceed to doing it?

Not necessarily. But..

It is always and always better to be conscious of what you're doing, to be purposive in every step of your action. Because that is rewarded more inshaAllah. And that will also give you a better sense of control over you actions. Sometimes some people like to say that they just 'go with the flow'. When things go wrong, they start blaming and pointing fingers. But really, you decide what you do next and you're responsible for every single thing you do anyway. So might as well be aware of it. Blaming doesn't work. What you have done is still your responsiblity.

Now back to spending..

The surah also implies that a person who spends in the way of Allah at times of struggle (say, for example, you gave some money to your friend when you have only ten bucks left in your pocket to spend for the day because you found out that he hasn't eaten for 2 days because he really has no money) is rewarded more than a person who spends in the way Allah at times of ease (say, you have fifty bucks in your pocket and more in your room and you gave five bucks to the beggar at the pasar malam).. Both will be rewarded, inshaAllah but in different degrees.

This also applies to other situations. When you're having a hard time, try to do some good deeds. You're really anxious about exams coming in two days' time whereas you have 50 topics to cover. Suddenly a friend comes and asks for a tutoring on a certain topic. Feeling reluctant? Don't be. Take this chance to gain extra from Allah.

What's keeping us from giving more in the way of Allah?

Most of the time, it's the issue of not believing enough that whatever you give away, you will get back. Always, giving away money is accompanied by this sensation of heaviness in the chest. This is a major issue of trust. Many just dont have enough faith that Allah will take care of them, which is rather disappointing. When Allah promises something, He doesn't promise it just because it sounds nice or seems ideal enough. It is what will be. You just have to have faith.

Allah promises that for every cent that we spend for charity, the reward will be multiplied and you will also receive extra bonus. Just as how you get birthday rewards from Celcom, this is even better.

However, always bear in mind that the reward will not necessarily appear as a material or in physical form. It can be anything. And it can be either now, in the hereafter, or both. As it is, for the good deeds that you do, the best of all rewards that you will gain in the world is in the form of knowledge and wisdom. Yes, that is what Allah promises us.

Wow, this sharing of information has become rather long. Well perhaps another entry can be posted to continue some other things that we have discussed during the class before the neuronal highway gets congested.

In the meantime, hope this helps.

Happy spending :)

Long-lost love found

2009-10-15T10:02:00.004+08:00

It was about a year ago that i stumbled upon a pocket-sized book of collection of hadeeth from Riyad-us-Saliheen. Every now and then I used the book as a referral for questions that I have in mind. When there are doubts, I just would like to know what the Prophet would have done if he were in that kind of situation, or what he would have advised if you were to ask him such and such a question.

Now the book is no longer just another textbook. It has in fact become a bedtime storybook!

A bedtime storybook?

Well, it's the kind of book you open as you rest your head on the fluffy pillows, enjoying the adventure before you fall into a deep slumber.

Indeed it is joyful reading what the Prophet has to say to you about things in life. The feeling of closeness to him, as though one is conversing with him is simply amazing! It's like you're reading a letter from your father whom you dearly love, who has long left the world. It brings back sweet memories that makes one smile and perhaps even shed a tear.

The Prophet...he's just so decent and humble yet people respect him more than they fear a mighty and fearsome king. The respect is out of love and it's everlasting. His kind words and wisdom penetrate every heart that ever comes near him, melting all prejudices. Never is he harsh even to the animals and the apparently inanimate plants. An incredible man he is. Words can't possibly do enough justice in describing him.

Oh how my heart is going to explode from all the great feelings that I have for The Messenger of Allah!

Heh, now I have gotten a little bit emotional...

wednesday is the day

2009-10-14T16:36:00.001+08:00

wednesday is the day
witnessing the miracle of God's creation
bringing glad tidings
those waiting
with hopes and prayers

wednesday is the day...

Jalan-jalan cari jawapan: Part 1

2009-09-30T20:04:00.002+08:00

"Uish besar2 rumah kat sini.."

"Hm mcm mana la agaknya eh.."

"Ya Allah, permudahkan la.."

"Nak start dari mana dulu ni?"

That was our dilemma - Mimi, Fatin, and I. For the community survey on H1N1 awareness, we were assigned specific areas for us to bombard with questionnaires. Being assigned rows of houses in the 'gajah' area is really a big and heavy task. The houses are tagged with a 'gajah' symbol because they're mostly big. A few are enormous. None is small.

I believe many of us have this perception that most people in housing areas, especially those with big houses are not very keen on receiving visits from strangers, whom they generalise as either salespersons or people asking for donation.

Keeping that stereotype in mind, we heavy-heartedly paved our ways to the houses whose residents may not be as big-hearted to welcome us.

Yesterday was our first round of survey. As a strategy, we decided to first and foremost mention clearly, "kami pelajar PERUBATAN/MEDIC dari UIA". That was our pick-up line. Huhu.. We wanted to sell our title as medical students in hope that people will buy it. And it worked! Well, at least it worked on some people who cared to first listen before considering to shoo us away..

The first day wasn't exactly successful. Yes, we managed to ding-dong 20 houses but we could only obtain 4 respondents from 3 different houses. Mostly, we were greeted by empty houses with the windows staring blankly at us. There were also houses that sent their bibik as a spy to find out just what those three ladies standing in front of their house under the hot blaring sun want from them. Of course by now most of them would have been trained to say, "oh tuan rumah takda..semua kerja..takda orang.." all the while maintaining an innocent and 'blur' look.

Not to mention, our 'hello' was replied by waving of hands, not because they are being friendly. They are simply practising a universal sign of saying 'no, i don't want anything from you..please go away..'

......and we politely smiled, said 'terima kasih', and walked off...

*sigh*

Perhaps beyond this there are lessons for us urbanites who more or less react the same way in similar situations..

To add some spice to our adventure, we were also greeted by canines that were eager to show off their singing talents, or should I say shouting? As we passed by their 'territories', they barked like mad! The big dogs barked ferociously and they succeeded in creating fear in us. Meanwhile, the small, puny dogs were yapping endlessly! And as usual, a dog's yapping is highly contagious. Seconds after the yapping of the first dog, the other small dogs started to join in the choir. Tak padan dengan kecik, bisingnya Ya Rabbi! Rasa macam nak sumbat mulut dia dengan kain, ikat kaki dia, pastu gantung atas pokok..

Feeling like perompak di siang hari, we hurried away..

Just as we were losing our optimism, we succeeded in obtaining one response from a makcik's daughter. A friendly makcik indeed. She is illiterate so we had to exclude her from answering the questionnaire.

And then we had two from a couple of Chinese, whom we thought were very cool. They appeared very atypical as they were very receptive and very supportive. Realise how many times I use the word 'very'? That shows how very happy we were with their response. There you have it again. Very.

Finally we got a response from an educated housewife who has an over-friendly four-year-old daughter with a sweet name. To Fatin's relief, they offered us cold drinks. Ahh.. icy-cold mango drinks.. heavenly! We chit-chatted with the lady, ate some kuih raya, and made our way back.

All in all, that made our day.. today was the second round of survey.. and today's experience has been more meaningful..that will be in the post to come..

Meanwhile, what I have learnt from yesterday's survey is about respecting people's space and their right to reject. I am not the persuasive type. I offer once, re-offered once more, and that's it..there is no compulsion and it is always subject to their own choice and free-will to take what is offered, or leave it..

Perhaps this is something to be contemplated upon..

There is no compulsion in religion...

...we don't FORCE or PRESSURE people to do things..of course things that Allah has made compulsory to do is always compulsory to do..our job is to REMIND nicely and wisely..it's their job to actually do it..it's Allah's job to judge, reward, or punish accordingly..

Tasks that are performed on the basis of willingness create sincerity and permanency. They breed good habits slowly but surely..

Tasks that are forced upon spark hatred and rebellion..Burnouts occur quickly..

Think about it..

to be a diamond...

2009-09-25T21:45:00.004+08:00

Eid Mubarak...

Ramadhan has long passed and I am fairly certain that what I gained from the recent month of fasting was mostly hunger and thirst. Every person's calling is different in each Ramadhan. Perhaps mine was to search for what has been lost, which I shall keep to myself. Suffice to say, istiqamah is an issue and there is much more to improvise.

At times a pang of guilt fills the heart fearing that my incompetence in religion has infected my significant half. I fear that my carefree attitude influences his perspective as well. There is also this nagging feeling that my being married to him deteriorates his values. Perhaps this is only a rambling of an inferior lass. Just perhaps.

On the 5th of Syawal, my significant half and I, with his group of 7 friends, made rounds of visit to their teachers' houses of their former school, SMA Hishamuddin Sg. Bertih, Klang. They represent 4 consecutive batches. Difference in age is not an issue. They're all brothers.

These people are not just ordinary students in school. 3 of them were Head Prefects during their years, my husband included. They also hold top positions in their Clubs and Societies be it in school, during matriculation years, or in university. One of them is the current YDP (Yang Di-Pertua) of MPP (Majlis Perwakilan Pelajar) of UiTM. Another is already an editor in DBP. They're all successful.

They are decent, polite, and respectful. They are funny but serious where necessary. They are firm and confident yet humble. They are mature. They have common sense. They are very much Islamic. And their teachers look up to them.

Islamic as they are, the subjects that they study vary. Two of them read English (BEN), three read Shari'ah Law, one takes IRK, and the other Sports Science. 'Worldly' subjects do not take them away from their fitrah. They hold firm to their grounds.

Coming from a 'secular' school (sekolah harian biasa..hehe..) i felt below par, really. Although I used to don a 'mushroom tudung' (tudung labuh besar), it wasn't genuine. I was a tudung labuh celup and the nature of things that are celup is that the celupan will fade. Just like Zhulian. It needs re-polishing. I need to be polished. If given the choice, I would certainly love to don the tudung labuh again but the soft and light textile does not seem to conceal my aurat properly, given my anthropometric measurement. Perhaps I should find a better alternative. I'll write more on my history of tudung labuh in the near future.

To compare myself to him/them is like comparing a Korean bling2 brooch to a real diamond. They both spark and shine, bedazzling those eyeing these exhibits. Superficially, people can't even tell the difference sometimes. Both look fairly similar, both are equally attractive.

The difference lies deep within. Only the person who wears these two at the same time will feel and know the difference.

When will I be diamond?

reminiscence

2009-09-11T22:35:00.007+08:00

I haven't written for a while. I was ambitious when i first subscribed to blogger. I had wanted to write at least twice or thrice a week. Now it's reduced to twice a month *sigh*

It isn't completely up to me, really. For me to be able to post in the blog, the computer has to be functioning properly. Then the internet connection has to be working well. Finally there has to be something to write..

When the computer and internet connection functioned well, my brain malfunctioned..or was at least sub-optimally functioning. When i had ideas crossing the synaptic junctions, i had no transfer medium!

First it was the mouse - it became paralysed and died. Then it's the celcom broadband sim card. For unknown reasons, it could not be detected by the phone. htc, nokia..semua tak detect. And now the CPU has broken down as well!! *double sigh*

Currently i'm able to write atas ehsan sahabatku nabilah yg selalu bagi pinjam laptop tatkala ada seminar atau case write-ups yang nak kena siapkan. Tenkiu nabilah! ^_^ Jasamu dikenang.

I first got to know nabilah when we were doing UNGS in the final short semester before embarking on our undergraduate study in Kuantan. We were roomies for about 3 months back in PJ. But at that time, i was pre-occupied with my inferiority complex, being surrounded by 'original' medical students with whom i could not be at par. For those who had not known, i registered to MCIIUM as a Bio Sc. student, jumped to Pharmacy as i entered year 2 and finally landed myself in Medicine.

2nd year in MCIIUM was the worst time i've ever experienced throughout my whole matriculation life. During the earlier part of the academic year, i was miserable. As time went by, i felt better but i was never truly happy. i'm a last-minute kind of person. i was, still am, but hopefully will no longer be.

When i joined d class with MEDCY students, they're all very dilligent, hardworking, selalu siap kerja awal, n selalu dapat jawab betul. On the other hand, i was not as dilligent, spent most of my time day-dreaming, siap kerja betul2 5 minit sebelum kena submit n banyak soalan yg xtau jawab!

Just imagine how low i felt at that time. I was having second thoughts. Am i really fit to join them? Do i belong? Have i made the right decision? Frankly speaking, I felt more intelligent when i was in Bio Sc.. Joining MEDCY reduced my self-confidence to a level lower than the unicellular amoeba.

I still remember crying hysterically on the morning of Physics paper, for fear that i might fail the exam. I talked to my mom, trying to convince her to allow me to intentionally skip the exam. I couldn't stand failing. I'd rather fail myself then let the lecturer fail me. Well eventually my immature plan was abandoned and i sat for the paper anyway. My grade wasn't excellent but at least i did not fail.

Allah taught me that it is my effort that counts, not the end result.

After being a medical student for 3 years and a bit, i feel more at home. i've developed meaningful friendships with people whose existence i've never realised until we're all dumped together in the same class.

Truly i feel blessed by Allah as He gives me the opportunity to develop myself amongst friends who are very nurturing. At times there are occasions in which my mistakes were being pointed out and I was reminded of things that i have done wrong. Incredibly, i feel happy with this sort of situation. No pretentions, no hard feelings. It's all pure sisterhood..or brotherhood. It's about being successful together.

From the depth of my heart, I feel glad because i know i'll be re-directed onto the right track should i swerve into the opposing lane.

This is how things should be. A friend ought to remind another friend of his mistakes in a very encouraging manner. One should also aknowledge positive traits that his friend has. This is what amar makruf nahi munkar should be like. We enjoin the good and forbid the evil with beautiful words and wisdom.

Remember that a rewarding experience related to an event will increase the probability of that event recurring?

Let's all be rewarding to ourselves and the people around us.

activating synaptic junctions

2009-08-27T20:18:00.004+08:00

Gaza Plastic Mosques Welcome Ramadan
August 26, 2009 - 05:29

GAZA CITY — "Allah-o- Akbar (God is the Greatest)" resonated across war-ravaged Gabalyia refugee camp in southern Gaza and worshippers instantly started to flock from all directions.

But instead of the performing the Tarawih prayers, a special nightly prayers during the holy fasting month of Ramadan, inside their tranquil oasis mosque, Gazans gathered to pray in their new makeshift place of worship built with plastic walls and palm leaves ceilings.

"We have rebuilt our mosques from plastic and nylon to keep them populated with worshippers," Mohamed Badr, a Gazan youth, told IslamOnline.net.

Gazans welcomed Ramadan on the ruins of their mosques, destroyed by Israel’s gun machines in the December offensive.

But ahead of the holy month, when Muslims dedicate their time to become closer to Allah through prayer, young Gazans like Badr worked hard to create makeshift places of worship to receive the worshipers.

With no Israel’s stifling blockade which denies Gaza basic materials to rebuild ruined houses and mosques, volunteers had nothing but plastic, woods and palm leaves.

"Our mosques are not a mere building of walls and columns. The whole earth is a place of worship," Bilal, a friend of Badr, stressed, while the two engaged themselves in cleaning and making simple decorations in the plastic mosque, an easy task with no light to fix or luxurious carpets to set.

"If building materials are late, we still have plastic and palm leaves."

At least 1,417 Palestinians, more than half of them women and children, were killed in the Israeli air, land and sea attacks.

The three-week war wrecked havoc on the Gaza infrastructure, destroying some 100 mosques, 20,000 homes, 48 government offices and 31 police stations across the impoverished territory.

Hard, But…

Abu Ahmed, a Gazan elder, watched the youngsters as they took every effort to make the makeshift mosque as comfortable as possible.

But he lamented that despite their efforts, he might not be able to pray in the plastic mosque.

"I've never missed Tarawih prayers under any conditions," he lamented. “But this year would be different.

"The atmosphere inside the place is smoldering hot that I can’t bear in my age and there are too much crowds to get inside.”

Islam Muslim, Imam of Al-Qe'qa' ben Amr mosque, admits that it will be hard for worshippers to pray whether in the plastic or the semi-wrecked mosques.

Being the biggest mosque in eastern Gaza, Al-Qe'qa' used to host 1500 worshippers. Nevertheless, after the war, it can only accommodate 300.

“There is also the lack of windows and doors, the lack of electricity and the problem of street noise with no walls to muffle.”

Muslim, however, affirmed that all the problems could not break the spirit of Gazans.

"We affixed decorations, Ramadan bulletins and prayers on the walls," he said. "We also fixed a huge lantern before the door of the mosque.

He added that their efforts will continue to rebuild even a tiny part of the mosque.

"We will do our best, even if we have to pray at the street."

Badr, the Gazan youth, is no less determined.

“They may have destroyed our mosques, but will never destroy our will.”

http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?c=Article_C&cid=1251021160334&pagename=Zone-English-News/NWELayout

truly, ujian kesenangan is harder for us to pass as opposed to ujian kesusahan..

every single day, one is tested on how much one expresses shukr to Allah and how frequently one remembers Allah..how many are really being God-conscious and how many actually forget?

every time i feel malas and actively force the neurons in my cerebral cortex to hibernate, this is what i say to myself:

Dear wani,

you are here in medical school with that God-given gifted brain of yours..do u think that the brain is sitting there in your skull for nothing? of all the people in the world, why are u one of those being blessed with the ability to easily grasp and understand the knowledge that is being transmitted to u?

My, my..it's there for a reason..for many reasons..and that special ability is not an absolute right but a responsibility! It's for u to utilise..kalau u takmau pakai otak untuk pikir, dont u think God can easily take it away from u and give it to somebody else yg akan lebih manfaatkan kepandaian tu?

and i'd go..

"noooo! xmau jadi budak tak pandai..ok ok i'll use my otak to think.."

so there..utilising ones brain does not only mean one has to read medic-related materials..it can be just about anything, as long as it can lead one to think and contemplate..

happy thinking ;)

a dilemma

2009-08-24T21:49:00.001+08:00

Last weekend was the beginning of Ramadhan. I went back to KL (as usual) to celebrate the first day of Ramadhan with my family and beloved husband. Being married means you have an extra family. Being the good couple we are (^_^), we always try to be fair as much as possible in going back to our parents’ homes. Their homes are ours, too, anyway. I always believe that this is a very crucial part of married life - to ensure that both sides get equal share. We women have to make sure that we don't get greedy and keep our husbands to ourselves only. Kesian kat family diorang.

To be fair to both sides, we decided that we would sahur in Maluri (my place) on Saturday and then commute to Klang (qayyum's place) after Subuh. Berbuka will be in Klang. The following sahur would be in Klang and after Subuh we'd be heading back to Maluri. So all in all, both sides would get approximately 24 hours of us. Sounds tiring? Heheh. At some point, you'll get used to it.

Traveling from Maluri to Klang means having to use the KTM Komuter. The trains to Klang has had a bad reputation amongst us because of their frequent delays. Alhamdulillah, their system worked well that weekend and there were no delays of trains. Otherwise, our pahala puasa would surely be at risk of being deducted! Or come to look at it from a different angle, it could have actually opened an avenue for us to collect extra pahala puasa. Ain't life easy?

On Sunday before going back to Maluri, we had a couple of pit-stops to go. The first stop was Pekeliling to purchase the bus ticket for me to return to Kuantan later that evening. Next was Pustaka Mukmin in Jalan Tar for Qayyum to buy several Law textbooks. From Klang to Pekeliling to Jalan Tar to Maluri, we utilised the KTM Komuter, Monorel, and STAR LRT.

So there we were, the two of us with the backpacks on our back in the midst of hustle and bustle of a city life. Throngs of people crowded the train station, fighting silently for seats. Streams of cars lined the busy roads, polluting the air with fumes of smoke rich with carbon monoxide. People of young and old, rich and poor, citizens and foreigners appeared from every nook and cranny of the city. Nobody seemed to be withheld by the hunger and thirst of Ramadhan. Life went on as usual.

Students are a common sight in KL, especially in the areas of KL Sentral and Jalan Tar. One could easily identify them from the way they dress, the looks on their face, and the bags they carry on their back - just like we did. So in a glimpse from afar, we would be perceived as two students walking about aimlessly in the morning of Ramadhan.

Suddenly a thought striked me...

Picture this: Two Muslim students of opposing genders holding hands, walking about in Jalan Tar laughing gleefully at one another's jokes..in the train they sit very closely with their arms hooked together, conversing endlessly..

hey, isn't this Ramadhan?

and they have the audacity to act shamelessly in public in the midst of Ramadhan???

Tak puasa ke diorang tu? Bulan puasa pun boleh lagi nak buat maksiat?? ish2..

If you were a person, a stranger, you wouldnt have known that we're actually already married, would you? And the thoughts above would easily be played in your mind. It would be much different if I were a person who wears tudung labuh or tudung 60" because then people would be kinder and immediately guessed that we're married. But I wore a blouse and a pants and a 45" tudung. I was modest and covered. Yet I bore a typical student appearance, an appearance that wouldn't instigate people's mind to think that perhaps this girl is already married.

This is nobody's fault to blame. But it made me feel uneasy..

Uneasy because we could easily tarnish Islam's reputation by 'portraying' ourselves as Muslims who don't know better, who couldn't care less. Uneasy because we could be wrongly exemplified as Muslims who are not married but are cool with holding hands thereby acknowledging this act. It's a dilemma, people. A dilemma that has been unjustly imposed on us. At least on me.

I wanted to get married to shoo away fitnah yet fitnah is what I can easily create in a wrong place at a wrong time. I have never really thought about this until yesterday.

It's unfair, really. This generalisation is inaccurate. And bersangka baik is all that it takes to prevent such misunderstanding. But bersangka baik is hard when it is so obvious that there are MANY unmarried youngsters who do not observe rightful muamalah. Again, it's a dilemma!

Do I start wearing a larger-sized tudung? Or do I start wearing a flowery mak-mak blouse/dress to make me look twenty years older? Should do I colour my fingers with henna and flash my blaring-red fingers to signify my status as a married person? Sometimes I simply feel like wearing a tag with big letters spelling WE'RE MARRIED..

love and tudung senget...

2009-07-28T00:05:00.002+08:00

An interesting class we had with Dr. Umeed today, on personality development and disorder.. One interesting story that he shared was about a one-year-old boy, in wanting to hug his mother, was hushed away for the mother did not want her crisply ironed dress to be crumpled.. I laughed and smirked at the absurdity of that situation and shook my head..But then i realised how common this situation is in our society!

cuba imagine a mother and a son sitting in the living room, waiting to go to a kenduri..the toddler then runs to his mother and hugs her with all his might, attempting to sit on the mother's lap..this is how the mother will react:

"ish apa panjat2 ni..tak reti dok diam la budak ni..dok elok2 tu..senget dah tudung mak..kedut baju nanti.."

sounds familiar? try to observe real hard and you can see this happenning..

issue 1:
i mean, come on..if a toddler does that, spare some forgiveness and shower more love..yes, kids need to be disciplined but with kindness and explanation..people tend to take short cuts by reprimanding kids for their inappropriate behaviour but neglect to explain the reason behind the reprimanding and forget to teach the appropriate one..

issue 2:
the image of a mother with a slightly senget tudung whilst hugging and 'wrestling' with her toddler appears very cool to me..and cute too! forget about the idea of being a vogue and va-va-voom mom when you have a couple of toddlers clinging onto you..what's there to looks at the cost of love and affection? it's HARD to maintain cun and be actively playing with your children at the same time..i think we should glamourise these moms who take an extra effort to be loving to their children by not being fussy about how they look..no, they do not have to be masam and melekit..but tudung a little bit senget? nothing to worry lah..

"are we there yet?"

2009-07-19T13:45:00.007+08:00

Two weekends ago, my youngest brother and i accompanied our dad to a kenduri kahwin of one of the staffs in his department..initially i was very reluctant to go there for the fear that they might mistaken me as 'his wife'..haha..anak ayah dah besar..but because he was so bersemangat nak pergi to that kenduri, I, with a heavy heart, obeyed..

The kenduri was in kuala selangor, which i THOUGHT took a little bit more than an hour to reach. How I was wrong! It took us two long hours and a bit to get to our destination..and when I say long, i really mean a looooong journey..we didn't exactly know where the place of kenduri was (my dad had wonderfully left the map at his office in Terengganu) so we had to keep our eyes on the signs by the road to navigate our way there..poor Imran, who was the co-pilot, couldn't sleep during the journey..tu la, that's the bliss of sitting in front ;P

Eventually we managed to arrive in Sekinchan..the watch showed 2.30 p.m. as we entered the kenduri place..i made sure i was introduced as HIS DAUGHTER to prevent confusion..hehe..

We stayed for about half-an-hour, met the pengantin, took some pictures, and headed back. I could see that the bride (my dad's staff) really appreciated my dad's attendance.. come to think of it, wouldnt you feel glad knowing that The Dean of the Faculty travelled 2 hours and a half just to be at your wedding? I know I would..

And then it was time to go back..this time i assumed the co-pilot position, saving both my brother and my dad from moments of mute and silence..my youngest brother tends to let his mind wander off into the the land of Allah-knows-where..cars and robots perhaps? I, on the other hand, have the tendency to doze off if i sat at the back and poor ayah would have had to battle against sleepiness all by himself..

Being the good daughter I am and the only biological daughter he will always have, I opened up conversations on various topics and issues..i've always been amazed at how rich my dad's general knowledge is..that is one thing in common that i see in adults his age..or his generation, might I say..they know plenty! these are the likes of Prof Nasa, Prof Tahir, and Prof Pakeer to name a few..

The journey back was far more exciting and adventurous..we embarked on a different route from which we came and how contrary the journey was! When we came, we used the long straight highway lined up by blocks of buildings and skyscrapers with tall, skinny trees occasionally decorating the roadsides..when we got back, we traversed on a long, winding road passing through palm-oil estates, orchards, and forests - lush green trees upon which our eyes feast..

At one point, my brother started seeing monkeys..initially i thought it was just his illusion, being the city boy he is..but shortly after, i started seeing them too! monkeys of all ages, from baby monkeys to grampa monkeys..some were just sitting around, others playfully wrestling with one another..there were clusters of families with the young clinging onto its mother's back..they were looking for food..Imran was so excited, giggling gleefully at each passing monkey..my dad further elevated his state of excitement by honking to the poor monkeys and startled them..oh how my brother laughed hysterically watching the poor monkeys jump! i laughed, too..

Suddenly a realisation came..there were too many monkeys by the roadside..too many to be recreational..once in a while you find monkeys loitering, trying to entice the people around them so that they'll be fed..but this was a road with cars driving non-stop and without food stalls or human residents detectable within the proximity..what were these monkeys doing there?

I turned my head to see beyond the trees..i looked hard and saw some yellowish-brown patches..i strained my eyes to get a better view..and then everything was revealed..behind the thin green barrier, a vast area of denuded forest lied still..tracktors and buldozers swarmed what was once home to the monkey population..i felt a pang of anger in my chest..humans, the civilised species we love to claim, have effectively rendered these monkeys homeless! No wonder there was emptiness in the eyes of the elderly monkeys..they had nowhere to go, nothing to eat..there was no place they could call home..the neighbouring forest was beyond bound..they risk their life entering the restricted territory..

There is no telling as to how much damages we humans can potentially cause..in the name of wealth, we destroy the ecosystem..we try to justify our acts by saying, "we mean well..it's all for the benefits of the society.." Our benefits, huh? what about the well-being of other species co-existing with us homosapiens? are their lives not worth conserving? those who oppose such massive destruction are accused as being backwards and anti-development..haven't we had enough already? Oh, pardon my forgetfulness..we humans are never contented..

The journey went on..and I sat quietly, pondering upon the prospects of a bleak future..

As a Malay proverb puts it, 'jauh perjalanan, luas pemandangan.' Indeed I have learnt much from this journey alone. Truly Allah has given us the chance to get to know Him and understand His creations..many such experiences may be encountered by us daily but because of how drowned we are in our human lives, we have failed to connect with nature and observe Allah's signs. We then shall never learn. We shall never notice how foolish and selfish we are..

From this journey, I was able to spend quality time with my dad and bro..and by agreeing to accompany my dad to this kenduri, i have actually encouraged and acknowledged a good trait of his - being a good boss. Sometimes we fail to see how very rewarding our small contribution can be. Everywhere we go, in everything we do there is always a chance for us to practice our role as a Khalifah. There will always be those moments for us to gain some extra pahala. It's up to us to find it..or ignore it..

written quest

2009-07-02T14:57:00.006+08:00

I have not written for a long, long time. Putting aside the lengthy essays being written in the answer manuscripts come end-block examination, i haven't actually written anything much. Heck, even the exams don't require that much of a lengthy answer nowadays. Answering the exam questions means writing it short, precise, comprehensive, and comprehensible. The grammar doesn't even have to be correct, as long as the examiner knows what you're saying or, at least, trying to say. That leaves me with pretty much nothing to write - a decent multi-paragraphs-ultra-vocabs kind of writings. Oh my, how this has taken its toll on me now. It seems that I have lost a lot of the writing skills that I've acquired throughout high-school. As it is, I'm struggling to write this miserable introductory paragraph, having to think which vocabs fit better and if the grammar is proper!

***

The only way to regain this skill is to write. Write and write and write. And read, of course. And understanding what it is you're reading. I remember loving the dictionary so much simply because it enriches my collection of vocabularies. I used to open random pages of the dictionary on the eve of Essay paper to search for catchy and classy vocabs but useful and practical ones, understand their context of meanings, and construct sentences using those vocabs. And then i'll fit those sentences into the essay the following day. A successful formula this was.

***

Now I find it difficult to construct sentences, tie them nicely together, and connect the paragraphs into a smooth flow of events - the smoothness of a milky, creamy piece of durian that leaves your taste buds tingling for more. Oh yes. There is such a thing as milky and creamy piece of durian. My vocabularies have gone to mere basics, just enough to survive the language. My thoughts? Although most of the time i think in English, it's difficult to lay them down, organise them systematically, and convey these thoughts to others in a fluent, impeccable english. It would be such a waste not being able to convey ones thoughts when one actually has incredible ideas. It's all locked up within ones neurons, shared only between the synaptic junctions in ones cerebrum and never got articulated. This is what i call dysarthria. One can have the intelligence of ten genius scientists combined together, but until and unless that intelligence is being expressed, one is perceived as not knowing.

***

Some might think, why all the fuss on language? As long as we're able to speak and write, we're okay, right?

***

I have always believed that people who master language, master knowledge. Remember that when Allah created Adam, he taught him the names of things? In other words, God gave Adam a symbolic language thereby enabling us human beings to have aql/intellect. Language enables us to think, process, and understand. It allows us to contemplate all the observable signs surrounding us. It opens the gate to knowledge and paves the paths toward truth. Ultimately, it allows us to express our free-will, our ability to make choices.

***

Animals, on the other hand, do not have symbolic language therefore no free-will. We might see the miaowing of cats and roaring of tigers as them 'speaking' to one another. These sounds send specific signals, but by no means are these signals similar to our understanding of language and conversation in human terms. It's hard to delineate the distinction between the nature of animal and human language when we humans have successfully anthropomorphise animals i.e. to attribute human qualities to others that are non-human.

***

Now back to language. In essence, knowledge is transferred from a person's thought to another person via language, be it any language. Therefore, the more you understand language, the more are you able to understand the knowledge that is being conveyed to you. The richer your language is, there more terms there are for you to think and comprehend further. Knowledge is learned, applied, and passed on. Good language allows us to pass on the knowledge more efficiently.

***

It is very unfortunate that in the learning institution, language is seen as a subject -just another paper to pass. Language is not perceived as a tool that connects one knowledge to another. Knowledge is a unified body. Compartmentalising knowledge shrinks our world and restricts our logic.

***

Now see how a skill that we often take for granted is so important for us to constantly polish?

***

Writing is just one of the many ways language is expressed. Enhance our language by writing, reading, speaking. Anything. That's why i'm starting to blog anyway - to have a platform for me to write. To have people reading what i write is a bonus. May I be persistent in my quest to write and enhance my language, inshaAllah ;).